What my town needs

I am a big fan of that there Facebook.  I am on it, this website is on it, the podcast is on it.  Even my own little group to stop all DEATH is on it.

I am particularly impressed when I see people shunning the requests to become a Vampire, grow a plant or populate an aquarium, and instead look to use it in an attempt to effect social change.  So I was intrigued to notice that one of my school friends had joined a group called, “What [removed] Needs”.  Of course, the [removed] is the name of my home town, but I am not giving you that, because of, well, the stigma.

This group claimed to have been set up as a forum for ideas to give to the local council, in the hope of making the town a bearable place to live.  This was a good thing as far as I could tell.

Then I read the comments from the concerned locals who were hoping to make their environment better for themselves, their children, and their children’s children.

“How about a music shop or summat?  We need an hmv!”

“I’d love to see us have our own KFC.”

“A cinema, but not one of those shit local ones.  A big multiplex, at least ten screens.”

I particularly like the last one, a cinema with ten screens would obviously thrive in a town which only recently saw celebrations in the street when its first supermarket agreed to stay open past 6pm.

The comments also show a distinct lack of understanding of the role of Local Government.  I have yet to hear of a local council meeting where the minutes were full of debate over which fast food chain would best serve the community at large.  Or why access to cut-price DVDs and box sets is so limited.

And still they wonder why I left.


  1. Keef · January 14, 2009

    I thought you came from Northampton ? admittedly this is somewhere I have never been but I was under the impression it was a decent sized place and would have thought it well supplied with cinema’s and fast cholesterol emporiums? Am I wrong?
    What fascinates me though is the thought that the Undead are using Facebook to recruit new members, tad difficult to virtually bite someone on the neck, perhaps you have agree to meet up somewhere presumably at night.

  2. Mr Angry · January 14, 2009

    Keef – I’m not from Northampton exactly, but the fact that we referred to Northampton as our nearest ‘big town’ should tell you everything you need to know about the type of place in which I grew up.

  3. ex-flatmate · January 14, 2009

    I also note that the individuals don’t have the brain power to think ‘oh, we are missing a KFC, I’ll get one of those fangled franchise type things, earn lots of dosh and move to our nearest ‘big town’.

  4. Lin · January 14, 2009

    I must have missed something somewhere. I had the impression, obviously from the tv of late, that all these tiny outskirt places with no KFC, ice rink, cinema etc were well into dogging and sex parties and stuff. Although I like the countryside I thought it would be too scary to live out of town.

  5. Megan · January 14, 2009

    Oh dear. Has it gotten that far? Has KFC now become a need? Please tell me we haven’t exported their bizarre new product (which I’ve only met in advertisements and assume are much, much worse in person) where they take everything they sell, pile it in a bowl and pour ‘gravy’ over the lot. Surely the arrival of what Google says are called ‘Famous Bowls’ in a small town near Northampton is listed somewhere in Revelations next to the bit about the Mother of Harlots.

  6. Preacher · January 14, 2009

    Northampton was your nearest big town. You’re a yokel then?

    All places need at least six Tandoori restaurants.

  7. Equine Pimp · January 14, 2009

    Has no one suggested that they start a petition to get you back?

    Quite frankly I think you should consider that insulting

  8. Mr Angry · January 14, 2009

    EP – Look, I’m not entirely sure they realise I escaped, and I really don’t want to draw attention to that fact.

  9. Brennig Jones · January 14, 2009

    My home town has two facebook groups:
    1. Abergavenny is a shit hole!!! But the majority of people are nice
    2. Abergavenny Love it but hate It… No Actually I Just Hate It Society

    What does it say that the majority of the members to both groups still live there?

  10. Salvadore Vincent · January 14, 2009

    Having grown up nearby then moved to London I was going to give a clever list like:

    – Aerial bombardment featuring both shock and awe.

    – Contraceptives in the water supply.

    – A big concrete wall around it like the Israelis built around the West Bank.

    But the place really could do with a decent cinema.