As part of the ongoing fun-less month of Sober January, a few of us, including Mr & Mrs Fat Jim went to the local Cinema on Saturday night to see the new Tom Cruise film, Valkyrie.  I had been careful not to read any reviews, as I did not want to accidentally read a spoiler and find out if whether or not they managed to kill Hitler.

When we arrived at the cinema, there were two huge queues for the confectionery, but I can not enjoy a film without sweets, and Fat Jim needs and enormous box of popcorn so we took our place in one of the queues.

A few minutes later we noticed the other queue was moving much more quickly than our own.  As always, this presents a dilemma.  Do you jump ship and join the other one, or stick it out where you are?  The law of Sod dictates the one you are in will always move more slowly, so we decided to stay put. Then, we watched as a women, in the position we would have been in had we moved queues, began taking clear strides ahead of us in the race to the service point.

We had been queueing for ten minutes when we discussed shop lifting.  I mean, technically we had every intention of paying for our goods, but they were making it very difficult, and we were in danger of missing the trailers, which are often the best bit in Tom Cruise movies.

“I could create a diversion for you?” offered Fat Jim as our plan began to take shape.

“Like what?”

“A domestic disturbance of some kind.  I could slap the missus about a bit?”

“No you fucking will not!” replied Mrs Fat Jim, reminding who was boss.

“OK, how about a bit of shouting and running around?”

“Excellent.  Go!”

“I’ll do it for a tenner.”

“You want to charge me ten pounds so I can steal less than three pounds worth of confectionery?”

“Well, when you put it like that.  But I am offering.”

Unfortunately, I have a rudimentary understanding of economics, and so declined this generous offer.  I will however take him up on it if ever I want to steal a TV or a car.  Ten pounds for a public diversion is actually quite good value when you think about it.

As we finally got to the front of the queue, we noticed that there were three members of staff servicing the other queue, and only one child approaching puberty serving ours.

“Do you realise there are three people serving that queue, and just you on this one.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s funny isn’t it.” replied the tattooed and lip-ringed child.

“No, it’s not remotely funny.  We’ve been waiting for fifteen minutes.”

“Oh yeah, sorry,  I didn’t mean it like that.”

“We might miss the trailers, and they are generally the best bit in Tom Cruise movies.”

“I’m sorry, again.”

We missed the trailers and the film began with a statement that it was based on a true story, and no, they did not kill Hitler.


  1. Keef · January 30, 2009

    Well I was wondering if I should go see this movie but I don’t think I will bother now, you’ve completely ruined it by giving away the ending.

  2. Misty · January 30, 2009

    Thanks Angry, I wasn’t going to watch this film & now I don’t have to wonder what happens anymore.

    Can I suggest taking sweeties with you next time.

    ps enjoy your Saturday piss up, although you really should wait till Sunday. I was giving up drinking for January but only lasted about 3 days so I admire your willpower.

  3. Salvadore Vincent · January 30, 2009

    Maybe they get him in the sequel?

  4. Lin · January 30, 2009

    Slumdog Millionaire is good for your next non drinking, sweetie eating excursion. Make sure you wait for the dancing bit at the end though, then you can practice this on your way out.

  5. Brennig Jones · January 30, 2009


    Valkyrie II – This Time It’s Personal

    Woolies pick’n’mix Angry; just the job for a visit to the cinema. Oh. Erm. Yes… 🙂

  6. Mr Angry · January 30, 2009

    Keef – I am sorry about that, it won’t happen again.

    Misty – I will take them in next time. And yes, I will enjoy tomorrow. Apparently we are meeting in Eton for a pub lunch, and then we are out for the day. It will be quite tame I imagine…

    Salvadore – “He’ll be back – In The Führernator….”

    Lin – We went to see that the week before, but nothing blog worthy happened, except there was a new entry to my all time top 3 cinema hotties.

    Brennig – They say you are not allowed to take in your own sweets, it might be interesting to see how flagrantly you can break that rule… hmmm.

  7. Megan · January 30, 2009

    Damn it you’re supposed to write SPOILER in huge great letters when you ruin the ending like that! Although I’ll give you credit that it was only the film and not the trailers.

  8. Preacher · January 30, 2009

    They didn’t kill him? Waht happened to artistic licence??

  9. Kaptain Kobold · January 30, 2009

    A tip on queueing in cinemas; if there are two of you, join a queue each. With the children we could cover four queues at our cinema (Staines Vue). As soon as one of you reaches the front, you all leap out and join them 🙂