Moody movies

I go to the cinema quite a lot.  I had a student job as a projectionist, so I’ve always had a fascination with the Big Screen.  But we are in a recession, so every penny counts, and I am not as flush as I used to be.  So, when my friend Amy mentioned she had borrowed a moody copy of the newly-released film, The Curious Case Benjamin Button, I suggested a few of us get together to watch it on my newly installed cinema system.  Though technically illegal, I was pretty confident that I could do a deal with the senior officer to grass her up to save myself having to do any serious hard time.

We were joined by the Fat Jim’s and settled in to watch a movie that has been nominated for numerous awards.

I knew full well that Amy had only selected this film because Brad Pitt was in it.  I am not stupid. She once said that the only reason she would kick him out of bed would be to shag him on the floor.  This led to a little game for Fat Jim and I to play during the film, a film in which Brad Pitt starts really old, and gets younger.

We called it, “Would you fuck him yet, Amy?”

She seemed to think that this game was sick, for merely suggesting that she might shag a bald, ninety year-old, arthritic Brad Pitt.

It was still a sick game when he was eighty-five. “You wouldn’t kick him out of bed, you might break a hip.” I helpfully pointed out.

It turned out however, that SHE was the sick one, as she would “probably” have sex with a seventy year-old Brad Pitt.  The fucking septuagenarophile pervert!

We had reached the point where Brad Pitt had got down to about sixty, and Amy was all agog, when the sound went off.  The picture was fine, but the sound disappeared.  I tried cleaning the disc, playing it in my Xbox 360 instead, fast forwarding it to a different chapter.  Everything.

It was simply a shit forgery.

I suppose I should be grateful for this stark reminder that counterfeit films are not as good as the real thing, and that they put cash directly into the hands of the drugs trade (though I think it’s fair to say a large number of actors and film execs put their cash in exactly the same place, so my watching moody films merely cuts out the middle man).

In hindsight I am pleased the sound failed when it did, as I have no idea what sort of frenzy Amy would have been in had Brad ever got to twenty-five.


  1. Jaggy · February 9, 2009

    And what would have been her cut off point at the other end of the scale? 18? 16? 12????

  2. Keef · February 9, 2009

    My own experience of moody copies of movies is not good, we watched a copy of Catwoman once that had been obviously shot by someone with a handycam stretched full length across the seats so the ushers wouldn’t spot them.
    The picture was tilted at a bizarre angle so every time there was a headshot we were looking up the characters nostrils, Couldn’t finish it off it was that bad.
    Mind you when it came on Sky Movies a year after that it was still absolute shite. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible to ruin a movie which had Halle Berry dressed in skintight leather but somehow they managed it.

  3. Badger · February 9, 2009

    That’s what you get for buying dodgy DVD’s off mongs! Do it yerself from now on!

  4. Aimee · February 9, 2009

    A relative lent me her bootleg version of The Silence of the Lambs. Most people said it was the scariest movie they’d ever seen but not to me.
    During certain scenes the bootlegger put the camera in his lap while he munched on really long chocolate twizzlers and then took a pee break where he rested the camera on a faucet next to the urinal. And later, when Buffalo Bill was putting on lipstick, the bootlegger stepped outside to use the payphone to tell his girlfriend Lisa he’d kick her in the tw*t if he caught her cheating with his brother one more time. I liked the ending when Hannibal is in a Hawaiian shirt talking to Clarice and a cinema attendant comes over and says “you can’t smoke that in here!”

  5. ubermouth · February 9, 2009

    haahaahaha @ ‘would you fuck him yet, Amy?’

    Btw could you tweak this so we don’t have to keep typing out our details?

  6. Mr Angry · February 9, 2009

    ubermouth – I’m not sure I understand? Are you saying the site doesn’t remember you when you come to leave a comment? It should. Perhaps your browser has cookies disabled (I don’t know what they means but I’ve heard other people say it and sound intelligent)

    Is anyone else having the same problem?

  7. Lin · February 9, 2009

    Not me. I might even go for a disabled Brad Pitt !

  8. Amy · February 9, 2009

    (Not the Amy in the post…)

    I know a girl who is 18, but would quite happily jump into bed with Ian McKellen. She saw him on the stage as King Lear and almost had a heart attack when he got naked.

    There’s something very wrong with that.

  9. Miss Angry · February 9, 2009

    Is septuagenarophile a real desire? I certainly do not want it appearing in my google history should it have consequences…