A strange call

My phone rings.

It is a number I do not recognise, though this in itself is not that unusual as so many of my friends have recently changed jobs and mobile numbers.

“Hello?” I answer, wondering which mate has made a New Year career change necessitating a new phone.

“Heeeeeyyy!” slurs the person at the other end.

It is 6:30pm on Friday, so they have done extremely well to get so pissed so quickly.  I am quietly impressed and also very jealous because I am only nine days into Sober January.  Sobriety is massively over-rated.

“Hello?” I repeat, in the hope of further identity clues.

“Heeeeyyyyy, how’s it goin’?” they continue, with distant bar noises distorting their voice.

“Who is this?” I ask, quickly tiring of our game of Guess The Inebriate.

“It’s your NEMESIS!”

This piqued my interest.  Not in the way you might imagine, as I have lots of nemeses.  My ears were not bleeding, so it was unlikely to be James Blunt, but there were numerous others it could be.

“Look, you’re going to have to narrow it down for me.”

“It’s your nemesis!  Just checking in with you.”

“I know, you said that bit.  I have more than one nemesis though, so could you perhaps add a name to your description?”

“It’s me.  Spuggy!”

“Spuggy?”

“Aye, Spuggy.  Your NEMESIS!”

“I don’t have a nemesis called Spuggy.  Not that I know of anyway.”

“Yes you do.  It’s me!”

“I’m pretty sure I don’t.”

“Come on Pete, you know it’s me, Spuggy!”

“My name’s not Pete.”

“Fuck off Pete!  I know it’s you.”

“I’m not Pete.”

“Why are you on Pete’s phone then.”

“I really don’t know how to answer that.  Except to say that this isn’t Pete’s phone.”

“Shut up.  Look, are you coming to the pub or what?”

“Look, I’m not P….. err….OK, but I must warn you.  I’ve been doing some thinking and with it being the New Year and all, I’ve decided to come out as gay.”

“Fuck off!”

“We can talk about it over a drink.  Get me a babycham.  See you in ten.”

With that I hung up.  I like to think that Spuggy and Pete have since had a very strange conversation about their earlier phone call.  Anyway, as a nemesis, he was pretty shit.

9 comments

  1. Lin · January 12, 2009

    Loved the bit ‘sobriety is over-rated’. You are not kidding. Have been dry for 8 days, 2 more days and the cigs are going as well. This could be a suicide note!

  2. Keef · January 12, 2009

    Are you sure he’s not your Nemesis with all these secret identities you seem to have, perhaps you’ve lost track of your Nemesis. If he’s not the Nemesis of Mr Angry perhaps he’s the Nemesis of Water Bottle Delivery Man.
    Dialing the wrong mobile number and telling someone to fuck doesn’t sound like much of a plan for world domination to me though, I bet this guy doesn’t even have a shark with a laser beam on its head.

  3. Sewmouse · January 12, 2009

    Truly a shame that Pete couldn’t find himself a better class of Nemeses/Friends.

  4. Megan · January 12, 2009

    I am completely fascinated at the thought of a character named Spuggy who is pissed enough at 6:30 to drunk dial and yet for some reason is just erudite enough to call himself Nemesis. He’s slightly handicapped as well in that both Spuggy and Nemesis have traps for a man drunk enough to slur which might mean that Spuggy’s pals were treated to an unexpected shower while Angry was so insensitively insisting upon not being Pete.

  5. Spuggy · January 12, 2009

    Pete,

    Did you get lost? We waz waitin’ for ya mate.

  6. Pete · January 12, 2009

    Oh God!!!!! You bastard!!!!! You have ruined my life!!!!!!

  7. Brennig Jones · January 12, 2009

    What kind of a half-arsed Nemesis is called ‘Spuggy’, FFS? It’s not very threatening, is it? It’s the kind of handle the specy wignut from the second form would have had. Nah, not terribly chilling.

  8. Mr Angry · January 12, 2009

    Spuggy – Hello. Thank you for taking the time to comment, I was a bit worried I had spelt your name incorrectly.

    Pete – Relax and enjoy your babycham.

  9. wolf · January 12, 2009

    It’s very difficult to find a good nemesis these days. I thought I had one once, but I sent him a Christmas card and haven’t heard from him since.