We all have secret guilty pleasures.
These are the things we enjoy, that we would rather people not know about. Whether that be something perfectly normal for a 33 year old man like enjoying a bubble bath, to something completely heinous like owning all James Blunt’s albums.
But what about Innocent pains? By this, I mean the opposite of the guilty pleasure. Those things out there that we know we should enjoy or appreciate, or wish we did, but for the life of us we simply can not abide. We might even have faked an interest in them in order to appear normal.
I mean things like, the plays of Shakespeare, a good Whiskey, the ballet, expensive wine. I am not saying that these are mine, obviously. I am just giving you some completely random examples arbitrarily suggested by my subconscious whilst writing this post. You should not read anything into the list because I really really like Shakespeare and fine wines. Honest.
What ‘finer things’ do you fake enjoyment of in order to appear normal?
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Fiction
Does ‘listening to fascist bastards before politely telling them my views differ to theirs instead of knifing them in the goolies’ count as a finer thing? No? I thought not.
Guilty of feigning interest in The Proms then. And despite everything, I still didn’t score.
Xmas 98 my mother bought my daughter then five a copy of the Spice Girl Movie, she insisted on watching it every day for about a fortnight afterwards, As soon as I sat down she would appear next to me holding the tape asking if I wanted to watch it with her with a big toothless smile.
We sat there her laughing and shouting Girl Power! at regular intervals and me with a fixed smile on my face gripping the couch arms so tight I left claw marks in them.
My wife would regularly pass through the living room to say helpful things like “It’s So Nice for you to spend time with the children Dear” before going off into the kitchen where I could her sobbing with laughter.
my son was at least more honest his comments were more along the lines of “Not This Rubbish Again!”
Fortunately she grew out of this phase before it became necessary to disown her. Funny thing is you ask her now and she’d die before ever admitting she like the Spice Girls.
Ooh, Jaggy you are a rascal.
Ballet, for sure. Pretty well any group activity for bonding or suchlike purpose. I mean, paintballing, go-karting, *fun* running etc. Any of them might be fine, but not in an organised circumstance. Frolicking on a beach, for fuck’s sake. All that bloody sand, and the sea is always cold in England and anywhere else you get stonefish and particularly nasty jellyfish. Singing Auld Lang Syne on new year’s eve while holding sweaty drunken hands. Well, even without that.
I don’t know if these count, as they’re all (except the ballet) moronic ‘fun’ rather than ‘finer’ things, but one is still expected to enjoy them or appear a complete spoilsport. Personally, I pretend to be drunk and fall over early in the proceedings. It helps if you’ve had a couple of bottles of wine first, for verisimilitude.
I fucking hate surprises. Even nice ones.
Actually, especially nice ones.
Jaggy – Four minutes. Four fucking minutes. That’s all it took?
Tom – You just made that up.
Brennig – The Proms is a good one.
Keef – Are you saying you wish you like the Spice Girls?
Z – I agree beaches are overrated (and I had to look up verisimilitude).
Weasel – An unusual, yet completely understandable one.
Kissing – no not that kind. I mean as a greeting, when friends & strangers alike kiss you on the cheek instead of just saying hello like normal people, who do they think we are – European or something???
Christmas, the whole shebang should be erased from public consciousness.
Ballet also – particularly as was raised by ballet lovers and had ballet-er as an older sister. Erm… opera I suppose also. Although I don’t pretend to like it. I can stand the famous bits out of the less Wagnerian ones but that’s about all. Women shaped generally like caterpillar tractors being sung at by men who look strangely like the gentleman who whistled at me yesterday (driving in his eponymous “Redneck” truck) somehow don’t get me all worked up with appreciation. Weird that.
Opposite of Tom – biographies. Especially of important people. I know I probably *should* read them but I like fiction dammit.
Oh aye, and the podcast.
1) Showering
2) Condoms
3) Separate bathrooms for men and women
4) Broads with A cups
5) Broads with B cups
6) Broads with C cups
7) Dildos in primary colors
Trannies with teets on top, bollocks on the bottom…no, wait, i don’t mind this one
Parties. I know I should enjoy going and socially mingling with others and drinking someone else’s booze – but I’d really rather stay home and knit.
In fact – just about ANYTHING that means I have to “dress up” with pantyhose and the whole 9 yards is more bother than I care to put myself through.
Weddings are the worst.
Pants.