As Uncles go, I am a pretty damn good one.
I recently visited my young nephews, who are 4 and 2 respectively. This is good news because they are reaching that age where they finally understand the concept of having their affections bought and paid for. In keeping with my careful cultivation of the title, “Cool Uncle Angry” I stopped off at Tesco to buy them some sweets.
I settled on some Smarties chocolate cakes, as they mixed two of my favourite things from my own youth, Smarties and cakes (it is amazing no-one has done this earlier, it is obvious when you think about it)
Upon arrival at my sisters, I was in danger of being ignored in favour of a DVD about cartoon racing cars, so I subtely let them know what I had for them.
“I HAVE BROUGHT SWEETIES!”
As we opened the packet I noticed that the described six-pack, was in fact, a five-pack. Leaving us one cake short. I have been warned about my language around the boys, so I was careful to swear very very quietly.
Luckily there was a freephone helpline on the back (I assume for people unable to open the packet). I called them to explain, in detail, my dilemma.
“…so you see, I bought the packet in good faith, but there are exactly 20% fewer cakes than there should be.”
“I’m very sorry about that Sir. I can send you some vouchers?”
“That’s all very well and good, but right now you have put me in a position where I am going to have to choose which nephew I prefer.”
“Oh. Couldn’t you have one, and let them have two each?”
“No, you don’t understand. There were meant to be six, and I took my two first of all, because as lovely as they are, I am my favourite person out of the three of us.”
“Right.”
“So now I have two nephews and only three cakes.”
“Maybe you could have another and give them one each?”
“I am not greedy! Plus, that is avoiding the situation you have put me in.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“Sorry doesn’t solve my dilemma. It’s a difficult but not impossible decision, actually. The four year old is probably my favourite, as I have known him longer.”
At this point she seemed to think I was having a laugh at her expense, but I could not see the funny side. We ended the conversation with me giving her my address so she could send me suitable compensation. I decided to settle the immediate problem by eating a third cake, as I have been told it does not do well in the long run to show favourites.
Five days later I recieve a cheque for three English pounds from Nestle.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Smarties cakes??? WTH????
I have read and re-read this and I think you’re turning into my dad.
One cake is quite enough for little children. besides, it’s the thought that counts.
So you ended up snarfing down three-fifths of the cakes yourself? Some Uncle you are. What about your sister didn’t she get one? Have you managed to man up and change a nappy yet? I remember you wimping out over this in the past. At 4 and 2 you’re fast running out of the opportunity to practice this vital skill
Are you going to pass on the £3 cheque to your nephews?
OK, let us be clear here. I bought the cakes, therefore the compensation is due to me and me alone.
There will be ample nappy changing opportunities as my sister has just had baby number three (congrats if you are reading this sis. I will post a card soon, probably)
I’ve taken a slightly different approach to the cool aunt thing – I give them cool fun stuff that Annoys The Crap Out Of Their Parents.
Talking books.
Finger paints.
Rock tumblers.
Bubble machines.
Those siblings of mine have a lot to answer for after all . . .
And here in the US, Smarties are a completely different thing – http://www.smarties.com/
So on a cake – eew.
But it seems that your Smarties are more like our M&Ms, which would be more than OK on a cake.
Not wishing to be pedantic but if there were supposed to be 6 cakes and there were only 5 then there were 16.6666666666666% cakes less than there should have been.
Honestly, it’s just basic maths
You’re not thinking clearly. Giving the extra cake to the 4 nephew is good investment as the child is more likely to remember and thus repay you properly with insincere love and affection. Also giving 2 the cake will just give 4 one more reason to beat the crap out of the poor kid, and frankly no one needs that. Finally, the sooner these kids figure out that life is not fair, and expecting it to be so is a waste of time, the better. then again, you never seem to have learned this lesson…
Three quid? Am I right in thinking the six pack of cakes was cost £18 (work it out)?
If not, then what is the extra money for? Emotional damage?
SIX DOLLARS for a packet of snack cakes???
Piracy!!!!!!!!!!
Could you not have cut the third cake in half? Still, you are a pretty cool uncle, all my uncle ever did was eat the first radish I ever grew.
EP – I meant I was expecting 20% more cakes. Is that OK?
CLiff – They were about £1.20 from memory (this does not make me cheap btw). I assume you are correct and the £1.80 is for emotional damage. Which seems about right.
You got the lion’s share of the cakes and your money back, with a bonus on top! Sounds alright to me. I’d celebrate with some more cake!
Lovd the line that your older nephew was probably your favourite , as you have known him longer.
I would like to be your groupie, especially if you have cakes.