Do any of you out there climbing your own career ladder have a harder time at work than the recruitment staff within Al Qaeda?
I am sure that when they are pitching to potential recruits, tales of an eternal after-life in paradise, plus lots of virgins and that, is all very enticing but there is no real way around the ‘blowing yourself up’ bit. I would imagine that bit is a show-stopper in many recruitment negotiations, much like their really bad pension scheme.
If I was a recruiter for Al Qaeda (hello people from Echelon, and I said IF) I would look for the path of least resistance in getting people to sign up. If you think about it logically, the best place to go looking for potential martyrs would be in a staunchly Muslim hospice.
I know, you might think this is in bad taste, but if you are working for Osama’s army, you have really got to fancy your chances in a place like that.
“Look man, you’re gonna be dead in a couple of weeks anyway, why not have a queue of virgins waiting for you when you get to Heaven? All you’ve got to do is drive into this airport and avoid any mental looking baggage handlers in high visibility vests.”
If you can not recruit any martyrs in a place like that, then you really need to think about a change in career.
“I’m sorry Osama, I really don’t think I’m cut out for terrorist recruitment. I’m fine with the deceit, misinformation and ulterior motives, but I’m having trouble with the violence. I think I’m just going to go back to being an Estate Agent.”
Yes, people also hate estate agents, so they are probably still going to have a hard time picking up women, but at least it would provide some talking points at speed dating events and such like.
“What do I do for a living? Well, I’m an estate agent, but please don’t let that colour your judgement, because I used to recruit suicide bombers for Al Qaeda among the terminally ill Muslim population.”
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I’d have to agree that sounds like a fairly difficult job, however there is the brainwashing and the threatening of various family members to keep you feeling jolly.
Personally I think the toughest job in the world is being a good parent. You don’t get paid, you have to expend large amounts of your own money, you will never think of yourself first again, you must expect to be hated by those you love most, be permanantly ‘uncool’ forever after, worry like crazy about – what they’re doing, what they’re eating, who they’re with, whether they’re safe, if you’re doing the right thing…etc. And You have nothing to sell you on the job, no promise of virgins etc – infact you’ll be lucky if you ever have the time/energy for sex ever again!!!
So you see, in conclusion, I reckon it’s much harder to be a good parent than a terrorist recruitment officer. After all, if a recruiter cocks up they only have MI5 or the CIA after them, if a parent messes up, the DSS will come…which is ten times worse; After all the intelligence agencies may shoot or interrogate you, but the DSS have irritation and pointlessness capacities infinitely more torturous!
I cherish the notion that Barack Obama has a brother called Osama Obama!
Angel:
I think you could quite possibly have solved Angry’s problem in one fell swoop!
Why go to all the bother of trying to recruit for Al Qaeda when you can just grow one from scratch! All you need to do is find a willing participant (husband/wife) and get to work. Only thing is, the first few hours (or minutes) of the job will be great, but it will never be as good after that ;D
Does the virgin thing go for women as well?
How many do you get, is it 7 or 9?
Hmmm – he’s posted a podcast with his voice, and a photo of himself in his all-together…
Then posts somewhat facetious comments about Moslems…
When the Fatwa comes down, I’ll be thinking good thoughts of all the fine posts you’ve written before they came to kill you to death, Mr. Angry, Sir.
Hmm, parenting as a job description – “Well its starts off with sex, but kinda goes downhill after that.” Not really a good selling point.
GH
I’d recruit suicide bombers from estate agencies, without the bombing bit
“When the Fatwa comes down, I’ll be thinking good thoughts of all the fine posts you’ve written before they came to kill you to death, Mr. Angry, Sir.”
I was just thinking along the same lines – any chance of adding a Danish comic strip to your page as well?
Al, I can personally assure you that at least two idiot Americans cannot tell the difference between the two. I ‘eard ‘em myself, in line, commenting that it’s a fine thing when a man can blow up two of our National Monuments [sic] and then run for goddamn [sic] president. They went on to announce that they weren’t going to vote for no woman because she would bomb the shit out of someone first time she got PMS [note: my feeling is they would have considered this if they could be assured the target was France]. Then they sighed about all the good ones dropping out of the race.
The rest of the world is crying just a little right now.
I have a problem with the company of virgins bit in an afterlife. Doesn’t sound much like paradise to me. I’d want to be in the company of a bus-load of rampantly dirty sluts – that would at least guarantee me a degree of success in the leg-over department. Company of virgins sounds like a sure-fire way to frustration and blue balls.
The difference between terrorists and estate agents is terrorists have sympathisers.
Megan, Robin Williams once said, “If women ruled the world there’d be no war; just every 28 days some intense negotiations.”
Reminds me of a joke doing the rounds….
A chap at the end of his tether phones up the Samaritans, and gets put through to a call centre in Pakistan.
“It’s all too much,” he says, “I just want to kill myself.”
“Very interesting,” comes the reply, “Now, tell me, can you drive a van…?”
I, too, am livid, for I am writing a blog post on exactly the same subject. And yours is …well… better.
GAH!
Angel – Struck a chord have I?
Al – Like the Republican candidate Adulf Hipler?
GeorgeC – Hours?! Show off!
Mo – I guess so. You mean that is not appealing?
Lin – A couple of dozen maybe? What’s a few virgins between glorious martyrs?
Sewmouse – Much like all those talent scouts looking for me, they will never find me!
GH – Pretty much every relationship I’ve ever had, summed up in a sentence, thank you.
Peach – I wonder if you could convince them to jump off a cliff in the name of Allah?
gnarlyswine – I’ve done that one already…
Megan – So two-hundred and eleven year old John McCain is going to win? I knew making Die Hard 4.0 would pay off eventually…
Brennig – Cast your eyes here… http://www.iamlivid.com/2006/05/05/your-heavenly-reward/
Glammer – Tres Bon!
Steve – Hehe, I had not heard that one!
Scaryduck – It is about bloody time one of them was!
I think it could be an easy one.
Get Al Qaeda linked up with the Samaritans and it could go something like this;
“I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.”
Yes, result !!