Crack!
The noise was quite loud, to me anyway. Y’know, in the way that things tend to be really loud when they occur in your own mouth. It was probably silent to anyone else who might have been in earshot.
I knew there was something wrong immediately, and after spitting out the mouthful of sandwich (a home-made pastrami club, what a waste) I could feel a gaping whole on the side of one of my rear teeth.
Things always feel bigger in your mouth than they really are, which I suppose explains the disappointment of any woman I’ve slept with who was kind enough to give me a blow job first. Though it doesn’t explain the disappointment of the ones who did not give me a blow job. Anyway.
With the aid of a torch and a mirror I managed to get a good look at the offending tooth, which had already been repaired many years ago with a filling. A pretty small chunk of the tooth had fallen off the side of one of my molars, and the size of the missing piece reinforced just how bad the tongue is as an instrument of measurement.
I phoned the dentist.
“I’m afraid the only time she can see you this week is Thursday. The next appointment after that is next Tuesday.” said the receptionist at my local Bupa approved dentist.
“But I have a HOLE IN MY TOOTH!” I pointed out calmly.
“I understand that Sir, but we just don’t have any appointments.”
“You don’t understand, the hole FEELS MASSIVE!”
“It’s OK, in my experience these things tend not to be as big as you think.” she concluded, in a tone that suggested she had spent her lunch hour gossiping with a gaggle of my ex-girlfriends.
This is what happens when you go private. I am now reduced to spending the week eating soft foods and only drinking things that are room temperature for fear of squealing like a council estate lottery winner every time something hot or cold touches my tooth.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Im going for a filling today.
I get the feeling teh dentist is only giving it to me because he doesn’t like me…
The bastard.
Then fix it
dear Angry, dear Angry, dear Angry
Then fix it
dear Angry, dear Angry
Fix it.
I’m pleased to say I still have all my own teeth.
I hear ya. Half a cap fell off one of my front teeth.
That was three weeks ago and I’ve only just been seen.
I have not the words.
My mother lost her crown in a Mars bar some years ago on the way to an interview and had to spend the whole time trying to talk with her mouth shut…. ha has so funny! She found the crown when she got back in the car!
My dentist gave me a choice a year or so ago of joining Denplan or slinging my hook.
I joined Denplan and whilst the service does seem to have improved some he now seems to take every opportunity to try and flog me expensive treatment.
I have a gap in the right side of my mouth where I lost a rear bottom tooth in my teens and the one above had to be removed twenty years later since it kept growing without the bottom one to grind against (or so I was told)
He keeps offering me a couple of implants to replace my lost teeth at £900 the pair.
For that kind of money I’ll continue to chew on the left side of my mouth.
I used to go out with a dentist. She said that the tongue, as an organ of touch/discovery, always exaggerates the true size of things. I said in that case I was never going to go down on her again.
In the interest of balance, I would like to say the following:
The week before Christmas, one of my fillings fell out. I telephoned the (NHS) dentist and was seen that very afternoon!
Oh, sod balance, I’m just GLOATING!!!
What’s an NHS dentist?
I feel your pain Angry. Over the years, I have spent enough with the dentist for him to buy a new Mercedes, with leather interior.
Oli – Or he has a holiday home to pay for.
Duck – I think that is the first time I have been serenaded on here. Thank you.
Chris de burgh – In a jar in the shed like my Grandad?
Ladyshambles – A cap? Please do not use complicated dental terminology that I do not understand.
Lin – You are descended from royalty?!?
Keef – I have some private cover, but I always end up having to pay anyway…
Brennig – It makes you wonder how big blind men think nipples must be.
sheppitsgal – No-one likes a show off.
stokeyperson – I have no idea. I think it’s a bit like a cross between a Minotaur and a Phoenix.
xl – You mean this is going to be expensive? Shit…
You should have offered the receptionist a bribe – there is always time kept for emergency appointments. You’d have seen the dentist this afternoon if you’d only offered her your sexual services. Obviously, she’d have been disappointed later, but some women are used to that.
One of my Molar teeth broke on Dec 23rd (to the extent that there was just a nasty rough spike left). A call to the local emergency cover dentist for the area had him apologising that he couldnt see me until the 24th. Emigrate angry!
Mind you on the other side I have a molar that broke in half – and i needed to extract one side with a pair of pliers – that was a year and a half ago and i still havent sorted it.
The pliers felt huge though.
With such a big hole in your mouth maybe you should be the one servicing BJs.
Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.
“A pretty small chunk of the tooth had fallen off the side of one of my molars”
i didn’t even know such a thing could happen. what was in that homemade pastrami club? was it on a baguette or potato bread? a baguette i could see giving you some problems but to break a tooth.holy crap. maybe you can sue.
Whilst I have cracked a tooth I admit I’ve never had a problem of that nature with blow jobs.
Nasel hair removers are the thing. They work in other areas and the fairer sex do appreciate not having to pause and spit pubic hair out at regular intervals I find.
Just trying to help…..
NHS works for me as the mrs works for the NHS and I get to queue jump.
My mas tried brushing my teeth once, I nearly vomited. It was beef-flavoured toothpaste, but even so. Pop some toffee in the hole until you get your tooth fixed – stops the sharpness on your tongue.
and also decays it further and could remove more bits of the tooth when you try to remove it.
if you’re going to stick anything in there to smooth the tooth out, let it be sugarless chewing gum.
since it looks like it will be a while before it’s treated properly, i suggest investing a few dineros in a small mirror so you can see the damage that’s there.
if the sharpness on your tongue really bothers you so much so that you can’t stand it, go to your local beauty supply and get a plastic nail file (the ones that have the finest grain sandpaper* on a plastic tongue depressor-type stick) use that and the small mirror to gently and sparsely plane down the roughest edges.
as a person that was in a similar situation with a macademia nut cookie as the culprit (that also had to wait a fortnight for proper treatment), i sympathize. as i’m sure you sympathize with a bottle of whiskey now.
*330 grain or finer. i’m not sure if they sell 430 grain unless you go to hobbyist hardware shops.
“Or he has a holiday home to pay for.”
Its on the NHS, reason alone for vindictiveness
{ 1 trackback }