I spent last weekend enjoying a traditional English break by the sea. I went to Bognor. More specifically, I went to Butlins in Bognor. For those of you that have not been to Butlins before, it is little bit like Guantanamo Bay, if Guantanamo Bay had been used as a detention centre in the 1950′s and the ‘residents’ were given a slightly wider selection of outfits to wear.
As we made our way to our Gold Standard Chalet I took in our surroundings and realised that I was essentially going to have to spend the next two days completely drunk in order to have a good time.
I dropped my bag on my single bed, and heard the crumple of waterproof mattress. Always a good sign. I then wandered to the living area where the Butlins staff had left us a welcome message.
“Dear Guest,” it began earnestly, “Welcome to Butlins!”
This was a good start. Positive and upbeat and full of the promise of wonderful seasidey things to come. Then it got straight to the point.
“We realise that most residents are here to enjoy themselves and will make all efforts to respect their surroundings. However, we would appreciate it if you could note the following charges will be applied to any damage caused during your stay.”
“Internal Door – £55
Television – £150
External Door – £90
Microwave – £30
Replacement Carpet – £120-£500
Chair – £30″
I have to admit that this was a first for me. The list continued like a rental property inventory, but the items above were the highlights. I have stayed in some truly god-awful shit holes over the years, but never have they provided a shopping list of things I could steal or damage beyond repair. The list said a great deal about the type of clientèle they had sought to attend the weekend party I had found myself directly involved in.
I was sure that the list itself would read like a challenge to a properly motivated individual. I can imagine a group of ASBO-wielding weekend release teenagers pooling their cash just to see how much damage they could afford to cause. Picture the scene, it is 3am after a drink-fuelled evening and Tyrone is about to throw a microwave out of the window, “Stop! That’s thirty quid! Do you know how much Buckfast we can get with £30?!”
I briefly considered throwing a microwave out of the window myself. It was only £30, and how often do you get to do that? Unfortunately we were on the ground floor and essentially dropping a microwave three feet to the floor is not worth £30. With hindsight I could probably have done it and then put it back in place as I can not imagine a three foot drop is fatal to a microwave.
In truth, I am sorry to report that I broke nothing, and stole even less for the rest of the weekend.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I once stayed at a hotel in blackpool which had the following price list
Complimentary Tea 10p
Complimentary Coffee 10p
Complimentary Sugar 5p
Complimentary Cream 5p
Complimentary Biscuits 20p
And so on. The hotel was most likely owned by an ex ‘bangin’ chav living it up on the pier.
A local bon vivant, promoter and guitarist to the stars once told me the way to trash hotels is to go ahead and trash it and agree to pay the charges then when they send you a bill qurstion half of it. When they revise, question half of it. And so on for months until they get bored and fuck off.
So I’ll not tell you about the weekend I spent with Wifey at a very classy 16th century manor house.
Lovely.
Our first holiday as a family with the kids was at Butlins Minehead (in 2001), never never never never again. We were in a Gold Standard chalet with half-board. My feet stuck to the carpet in the accommodation it was so rank and I had to throw the kids socks away when we got home as no amount of bleach and boiling was ever going to get them white again. And ah the joys of plastic table cloths and being told what time your ‘sitting’ for breakfast and diner was.
Never again, it was hideous and full of hen party’s from Liverpool and Southend.
Perhaps this is the way forward for numeracy at schools:
If Wayne has £112 and Kevin has £87, what is the most valuable combination of items that they can destroy? (Show your working.)
We took our kids then aged 5 and 18mths to Butlins in Skegness in 1995 because we wanted them to experience a traditional British seaside holiday.
Never again!
It was basically the local council estate picked up and plonked by the seaside.
I was amazed that my car still had its wheels when we came to leave.
To cap it all I caught a verucca in the swimming pool that took me a year to get rid of.
Gotta love Bognor, especially that end of the place where Butlins lies…where the air is thick with the smell of chips, smells of the sea…and the yell of ‘CHANTEL, CHHAAANNTELLLLLL: GET BACK IN YAAAA BUGGAAYYY…NAAAAA!’
“I was essentially going to have to spend the next two days completely drunk in order to have a good time”
Surely an intelligent and widely travelled man like yourself, Mr A., would have realised that when he saw the destination on the map? I mean, you were going to “Bangor”.
Although, to be fair, that’s pretty much a basic rule no matter where you go in this country.
GH
how much for a replacement liver?
I think you’ve insulted Guantanamo Bay.
About 12 years ago we arrived a our chalet somewhere in Devon and the door fell off the hinges when I opened it.
I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m the only person who has never been to Butlins, Center Parcs etc. Worst still, I’m starting to question whether that’s a good thing after all.
I always worried that if I went, my Dirty Dancing like dream would be shattered. Well, that and I heard holiday camps were shit.
Waterproof mattresses seem to be a feature of your holiday destinations.
My sympathies – that must have been a truly depressing weekend.
Spouse had a business trip to Las Vegas. In the provided hotel room the TV was bolted to the desk. A real classy place.
xl – I’ve stayed somewhere where not only the TV was bolted down, the remote control was bolted to the bedside table. What was most annoying was that it was bolted to the bedside table on my (then) girlfriend’s side, so she had control of what we watched.
That is messed up! On my recent holiday I had to enjoy substandard accommodation conditions – air conditioner with warnings, no pay tv in the bedroom, indian food smelling ventilation, fireballs from the gas cooktop….but it pales in comparison with your experience. I’ve never seen a damage and liability list before!
I once had the misfortune of having a “holiday” at Skegness Butlins a few years back.
Upon initial arrival we were greeted by the local police who were dragging some chavesque oik out of the complex, whilst kicking and screaming.
In short, the place was like a Borstal with chavvy peasants frequenting every corner. Never, never, never again!!!!