Unfortunately, I have reached a point in my life where my peers have started having babies (for clarification I am twenty-twelve and from Windsor, not fifteen and from Bracknell).
I find this upsetting on so many levels. Firstly, my drinking circle is reducing a bit too rapidly. I have greatly enjoyed the many stag-dos I have been to over the last few years, but the subsequent christenings do not offer the same opportunity to hit on the attractive female friends of your mate’s now wife. And I have yet to receive a positive response to the question, “Can we all go lap dancing now?”. Perhaps I should wait until we leave the church before asking next time.
I have heard the excuse about ‘body clocks’ too many times recently, and I have to say it is all utter bollocks. I have read articles on the Internet about men in their eighties who have fathered children. This means we literally have at least fifty years to go before that procreation imperative kicks in. I do not see what the hurry is?
The first twelve months of a babies life seems, to me at least, to be excruciatingly dull. Sleep, cry, eat, shit. Repeat ad nauseum. I do not have any interest whatsoever in that, and on the rare occasions you make it to the pub I have no interest in hearing how many hours sleep the ‘little one’ now has each night. Four hours in one go eh? That is totally rubbish. A couple of years ago I did sixteen hours without waking once. And I did not shit myself either (it was a close call though).
There is an advert in my local gym for a class especially for new-born babies called “Mind, Body and Sole.” I did not realise that a lot of babies have problems with the bottom of their feet, but that is not what caught my attention. The reason I spat my water out when I walked past it was the fact that they have used a picture of possibly the ugliest child ever to crawl the planet to advertise it. Seriously. I did not know whether to feel sorry for the parents or call NASA and explain that first contact had been made. If you do not believe me, click here to see the photo taken with my phone.
If you have an ugly baby, please keep it behind locked doors until it is old enough for cosmetic surgery. It is best for all concerned. Thank you.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Good God!! It’s like a baby Gollum!!
Can you not see the cuteness Angry?
Your peers? But you are peerless, Angry.
I try not to be a baby bore, and for the most part succeed, but most of our friends now either have, or in the process of producing sprogs.
I can’t stand it when people call them the ‘little people’ I believe ‘rug rats’ is the most approprioate term, especially now my own rug rat is 8 months old….
Funnily enough, the google ads that loaded when I came to this post are “Sleep training for babies” and “baby sleep”
So obviously Google themselves believe that four hours is pretty rubbish. So it must be true!
Was this just a cunning way to get us to view the photo of you as the naked blogger again?
However, you are correct and that baby is indeed, UUUUUUGGGGG-LLLLYYY! If I had given birth to that I would be sorely tempted to stick the nappy on the other end, then get steralised.
Best post in effing ages, Mr Angry.
And I wholeheartedly agree with you: It’s like a bloody epidemic.
The baby’s so ugly that his/her dad will have to carry some other baby’s picture in his wallet.
Anybody heard of the story about an ‘Ugly Duckling’?
I don’t think that baby’s ugly…
but I wouldn’t wait til you were in your 80′s to procreate Mr Angry – sounds like you have enough trouble finding women to practise with in your twenty twelves ;-P
He’s a bit hairy for a baby. Oh. Wrong photo.
He’s fine. That’s just a baby. They often look a bit unfinished. He’ll grow hair one day and will look a bit less alien I dare say. Then he’ll lose it all again and become gummy again when he’s old.
Existentialism a la Sooz.
ninja – You are right, my precious!
Mo – Where?
z – Good point, well made.
afc – Rug rats? I would prefer a Guinea Pig.
Dominic – They are very clever those Google folks.
TJ – One day TJ, one day…
Jorge – Excellent, cue the next batch of “That baby is so ugly…” jokes.
Mo – It got bird flu and was shot?
Peach – Getting the opportunity to practise isn’t the problem, it is the getting good at it bit…
Sooz – He also has Jeremy Beadle’s left hand!!
Ok, here goes …….
That baby’s so ugly, his dad takes it to work with him so he doesn’t have to kiss it goodbye
TJ – Now THAT is funny…
i often wondered what the fascination was with babies until i had three myself. i’m now wondering what the fascination is with teenage boys.
Zed – I also fail to see the attraction in teenage boys, and anyone who says I do is lying.
ears like a bat. never did Lineker any harm though
i’ve seen worse (and mine are beautiful, btw)
I too find myself with more wedding/christening invitations than I know what to do with, yet not a hint of either for myself. It makes having a social life quite tricky when everyone you know is coupled up/with child/at the mercy of the babysitter.
Ugly baby – I thought it was just another naked shot of you again after the waxing.
baby gollum is right! I hated kids, till I had one. Then, i just learned what everyone else was saying to me about it on my own.
Don’t do it until you are 39! Body clocks be d*mned. By then, you will have sewn a few reckless seeds, and you may want one to root. :giggles:
I plan to avoid the whole sleeping, crying, eating, shitting years and adopt 20 year olds.
I was telling my mother only the other day that I dread having children because I don’t want to turn into one of those stringy-haired boob-baring earth mothers who wander around speckled with milky vomit, wittering ad nauseam about their babies’ poo to anyone who’ll listen and threatening to set fire to anyone who doesn’t particularly want to breast feed.
My mate’s chattle just pushed one out. On Friday 13th. They called it Aidan. Everybody knows Aidan is an anagram of Damian. Ah, no M, you smugly retort. Oh yeah? Check the shape of the horns. They form an M. Eh? EH?
What is your problem, he is a cute little thing.
Such a smooth baby skin…