“Arrrr, look at his cute bum, I just want to bite it every time I see it!”
You could forgive a statement such as this from a new parent talking about their cute young baby, just. But this came from the girlfriend of my mate Jean-Luc The Pilot. Jean-Luc The Pilot, is a pilot. In that he flies aeroplanes and stuff. For a living. He was however an electromechanical engineer when we were at University, busy studying things like Thermo Dynamics and Nuclear bits’n'pieces.
Of course, he soon realised that this was a rubbish vocation when it came to chatting up women, but, unlike any normal person who would lie about what they do for a living in order to get women to have sex with them, he decided to go to the huge time and expense of actually retraining as a pilot. The stupid idiot. To make matters worse, the whole time he has been a pilot he has had a long term girlfriend, so he has not even been able to use it to his advantage. Whereas I just lie about being a pilot. Ha! The joke is on him! I am quite sure that he secretly wants to be me. Or maybe it is not a secret but he just doesn’t want to embarrass me about my magnificentness.
Anyway, his girlfriend seemed to think he has a nice bum, and told us all about it at the wedding, a lot. Which was, quite frankly, sickening. What is worse, he clearly believed his own hype, as his clothes were tighter than I’ve ever seen him wear. I fully expect to see him wearing a spandex all-in-one body suit at our next get together.
“I think we should have an independent inquiry.” I suggested, just as the eating of a meal off of Jean-Luc The Pilot’s arse was being discussed. By other people. Nothing was further from my mind than eating anything off that hairy-arsed former Electromechanical Engineer.
And so, four of us stood in front of a randomly selected female wedding guest and allowed her to study our arses. Fully clothed I might add. It had not turned into that sort of wedding, despite my best efforts. I cannot say for certain how much clenching was going on, but there were four faces of steely concentration looking across at the DJ as we were fully assessed from behind.
And the result?
Let’s just say I was in the top 50% and old saggy-arsed Jean-Luc The Pilot most definitely, was not…
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Your mate’s girlfriend’s biased opinion aside, men’s bums are VERY underrated, in my opinion. There’s all this frontal focus on men, when instead, phwoar, cop a load of that arse!!!
Etc.
Carry on – I’ll just get my coat.
Ohh you’d have been in the top 49% had you not clenched Mr Angry! Clenching makes it look weirdly squooshed…
Who misunderstood what ‘Mighty Craic’ meant then?
Mate, bigging up your own arse is, well, a bit sad! I, unfortunately, just seem to have a hole in my lower back rather than an arse as such, so I’m only jealous! Ever use the Perk coffee shop by the station?
Top Hole!
GH
I’d like to suggest that you provide photographic evidence of this competition.
Please?
ha ha greavsie said it first ! (damn)
if I had written this post you’d be asking for pictures…
so…
PICS PLEASE!
I’m all for men’s bums, kinda agree with Girl- but nothing beats a man with good legs…
just me?
It’s no coincidence I chose the 2 single blokes in my top 50%.
My husband has a nice arse, but I wouldn’t want to eat off it – hell no, that’s just wrong on so many levels. Show me a nice large wallet any day, I’ll judge that competition for you.
A good arse on a man is very very important.
I’m all for photographic evidence of said competition, just to make it fair you understand.
Irish Girl- good move, boosting their confidence and all that- wouldn’t want them thinking they were single cos they’re ugly.
Doesn’t coming last in the “elite” Single Guy section reflect kinda badly on your derrière Mr A?
Pity there was no competition for the ladies … I saw a few contenders … although that was after 10 pints.
So, what you’re saying is you “coulda been a contender ‘stead of just a bum” then?
I’ll just join the Girl at the coat rack shall I.
Thinking about it, I really should have bitten your bum to make it a fair test. See you at the next wedding….
I have NEVER bitten anyone else’s bottom.
Or, for that matter, my own.
That is all.
A lot of people tell me that I have a very nice arse. Can’t put any picture up unfortunately.
Surely it’s not possible to take a flattering photo of your own posterior.. the people demanding pix should be offering to lend a hand!
I am off to Wembley to watch the greatest, most entertaining team on earth. Play England.
Sorry for lack of comments… maybe over the weekend…
wow, out of 4 guys who you were in the “top 50 percentile”. that’s heart-breaking. can someone pass me a box of kleenex? i feel a sadness coming on.
Liking your blog does not necessarily mean I need details of your bum. Even if you really made the top 50%.
Crap first half not bad second half.
Beckham had a good’n I’m delighted to say.
As Oldham failed to get to the play off final I’ve yet to have a look inside. maybe next season…..