“I’d like a return to Kings Cross please, coming back on Sunday.”, I said to the railway station ticket office operative (which is their full title).
I had just rushed to the station in the town where I work in order get the next fast train into London. A pre-paid return to the North was at stake should I be delayed by more than twenty minutes in my trek across the capital.
“Sure, that’ll be £22.80 please.”
I did some on-the-spot mental arithmetic (which I am good at – despite my inability to understand Salvadore’s diagrams. I even have an ‘A’ level in it) and quickly realised this was the same price as two singles.
“Err, hang on a second, that is the same price as two singles”, I pointed out, clearly illustrating that I am no-ones fool.
“Oh yes, we don’t do open returns you see.”
“What do you mean you don’t do returns?”
“Well, the only returns we do, are same-day returns.”
“But I want to come back on Sunday, not later today.”
“I know, which is why I am giving you two singles, the second one is for Sunday”
“So there is no financial benefit at all to me buying a return for Sunday at this precise moment, as the cost to me is the same whether I buy a ticket for my return journey now, or on Sunday?”
“That’s right.”
“In that case I’ll just have a single. It would be remiss of me to carry round an extra ticket all weekend when I do not need to. Imagine if I lost it? Or got knocked down by a Northern Bus? I would have wasted £11.40, which is not to be sneezed at. No, if I’m going to have a fatal accident this weekend then I want that money to stay in probate to be shared amongst the people I will leave behind, not lining the pockets of the railway fat cats who could not care less whether I made it back in one piece or not.”
“Okaaay, a single it is.”
Honestly, the Government goes on and on about getting the general public to make more use of the public transport system, and seem genuinely surprised people do not travel everywhere on trains, even though they make it as financial attractive as betting on the Grand National (unless you are the jammiest git in the world).
(It was twenty pounds more expensive to get the train than to drive by the way, but I wanted to do my bit for global warming, for once. Never again though, you and your children’s children can all fucking burn and drown for all I care.)
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Twenty quid more to get the train than to drive? So you’d only have used £2.80 worth of fuel for that journey?
Surely then the entire journey would have consumed a mere 3 litres of fuel meaning either your car does cracking mileage; the train journey was insanely overpriced; or you’re not quite as good at maths as you claim.
So there. Do I win anything?
Jann, Jann, Jann – the return was just the bit into London and back. As I mentioned, I had pre-booked my return to Leeds from Kings Cross separately… The whole journey was £65.
And no – you do not win anything, apart from ritual humiliation by all subsequent readers.
Bugger. I have nothing else.
It cost me £28.50 for a day return to london with a zone one tube pass (I don’t live that far from London, less than an hour on the train).
Last December I took a train to Grantham to collect a shiney new car (They offered to deliver it but I didn’t want some pimply youth thrashing my new car) it was a 3 1/2 hour jounry and cost me £19.60…. I’m baffled, I really am
Bwahaha. But nice try, Jann.
I was a bit furious at having to run round getting an oyster card to not pay extortionate tube fares.
I was apoplectic when they asked for a £3 deposit on the card. It’s my cash prepaid onto it, why in the name of God’s washing line do they need a deposit!?
Need I say this again – GET BIKES KIDS! Then you can bring your bike down on the train and cycle around town at ZERO cost to yourself and/or the environment plus take in the, er, lovely touristy sights while you’re at it (ok bring a wee mask thing too or you’ll die of carbon monoxide poisoning) Public transport will COST YOU YOUR SOUL…
And we don’t want that do we?
Peach just wants everyone’s arse to ache like mine does. It’s her masterplan.
Blimey! It sounds like it’s getting fruity around here again. That didn’t take long…
I purchased an off peak return to London this morning (fancied a lie in) for the princely sum of £10.80 plus £4.50 car parking. I walked through the barrier only to hear an announcement that all trains to London were severely delayed (at least an hour), due to some selfish prick having thrown themselves under a train.
So the total cunt at the ticket desk knew this, but still sold me a ticket without so much as a mention. May he burn in hell.
Thigh power!
PS – FB – has your arse not stopped hurting after a week or so? If you do it daily it will do… Erm, this sounds like I’m talking about something else entirely…
I always wonder what would happen if trains reversed their dimensions and were about 5 metres long and 16 carriages wide. There would be tiny platforms, a distinct advantage for a space conscious country, but the whole of the UK land mass would be covered in train track, or would it? My brain usually explodes at tis point.
If you combined this with my other incredible idea to reduce travel times and carbon emissions, which is to put the whole of the uk on rotating circles, a bit like the game “downfall” (remember that?). Then you could sit on the edge of one circle that would rotate until it reached your desired destination on the opposing circle. Clever eh?
There maybe some upheaveal to the environment but we could sink Slough at the same time.
Dr_Clip – What about making them 16 carriages tall? Then the “platform” could just be a big ladder. And the driver would be able to see so far ahead that you wouldn’t need signals.
I used to have to do a lot of day trips to Bristol (very long story). Pretty quickly I figured out that if I bought a return in the morning I paid a 2 x peak fare price. If I bought a single in the morning, and a single in the afternoon I paid 1 x peak fare, and 1 x off peak fare single. This saved about £15 quid (its expensive to go to Bristol, which doesn’t make sense really, as why should you pay more to go somewhere you don’t want to go). This re-affirms that the whole policy around trains in the UK is mad.
The railways need to be renationalised. Until then, we will all get screwed. (No, not in the ‘fun’ way.)
I see what you mean about the Maths questions although it may be more to do with knowing the songs. I got one straight away but sum, sorry some, of the others only made sense if you know the songs. Being musical rather than mathematical must be better for those.
Salvadore, you are a true genius. We could have lifts to get the passengers to the required carriage.
We could steady the tall vertical structure of the carriages with GPS controlled Hot Air Balloons, negating the need for ground based structural support.
Shall we call up Mr Branson now?
AFC – That is what premium pricing is all about. It is like a hostage situation, but without the crap grey suits.
Fussy Bitch – I do not have an Oyster card, can you ask for the deposit back?
Peach – I am in reasonable shape, but cycling to Leeds is a bit beyond me.
FB/Peach – *lets plenty of arse jokes just ride on by, but checks their blogs just in case*
Dr CLip – but what if someone turns it too quickly for you to jump off? That was always my tactic.
Salvadore – You mean they pay attention to the signals at the moment?
BoT – now THAT is ridiculous. Normally same day returns aren’t too bad.
The Girl – So we could all get screwed the good way if it gets renationalised? *Goes out to buy copy of the Socialist Worker*
Dave Petterson – Hello. I am just going to assume that Salvadore is a very clever man with a very bad record collection.
It’s a case of pot luck when it comes to the rail service. 5 minutes difference can mean a £20 price hike all depending on rail provider, time etc. It’s nuts. When i was at uni and wanted to visit the other half in essex, i used to get the train from coventry to leicester, stay a while at my parents then get the train from leicester to essex. All because it was about £15 cheaper! They definitely need to regulate ticket prices across the board so people who live in one town don’t pay tons more than the next.
Sometimes it’s cheaper to buy 2 tickets for one journey then one – England is treasure island.
That’s a pretty shite train system where you are Mr. A. I still like the Dutch system of double decker trains that are fairly cheap and RUN ALL NIGHT! Why can’t we have that whole system over here.
Ah hell, why can’t I get a job in amsterdam ‘cos this one sucks!
Then again, I probably wouldn’t look too good scantily clad in a glass doorway.
GH.
*mopes off for an early beer
Although the subway here is relatively cheap (compared to London) it’s forever delayed, late, slow, inconvenient. And they wonder why the roads are congested?????
Public transport in London is bloody extortionate! Even with Oyster.
I reckon Ken is having a good laugh over his 18th century brandy and Cuban cigars…
Trains let you relax so much more than cars. And they’re faster.
burn in hell eh? *starts saving for the future in hell*
Can’t wait for next mondays post “how I missed the train home while queueing for a ticket”
Get yourself a 17 year old son who has just learnt to drive and wants to practice – great for picking you up after the pub!!!
Oh you are good. When I travel home to see my folks I always balk at the cost of train tickets and opt to drive.
Hello NRG, Sam Cullum, and Julia!