“Anyone fancy a drink after work?” I asked the office one night last week.
“No, I can’t tonight, I’ve got to go home and tidy up.” piped up Tony, one of the less irritating ones in the office.
“Really? Hot date?”
“No, the cleaner is coming in the morning.”
I looked at him for a few seconds, awaiting the second half of that sentence, “…and I have to remove the evidence of a sex and drugs orgy that I had last night”, or “…and she doesn’t like it when I shit the bed and leave it there”, but it never came.
He was actually blowing off the pub, in order to go home and clean, to make his flat more welcoming for the cleaner. I do not understand this. I have never had an actual cleaner (unless you count the lady who used to come round every now and again in my Uni Halls), but I would suspect the first thing they do is?
Perhaps I am wrong? Maybe in reality what they actually do is cast a critical eye over your home, running a finger across shelves and looking under sofas, much like Gillian McKieth does if you give her a lunch box of poo.
I would imagine that you must be exceptionally frightened of your cleaner in order to clean before she arrives. There can be no other reason, surely? Unless you are trying to impress her? I suppose this is also a distinct possibility, as it has been many months since I saw Tony with a lady on his arm, so I would imagine even a 60 year-old arthritic blue-rinsed cleaning lady holds a certain attraction. Probably.
Even if I’m wrong, that is the rumour I am starting.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Easier to clean if the place is tidy
It’s likely that he’s trying to make a good impression, as there are now very few blue-rinsed cleaners left. They have been replaced by a small army of slender, blonde Eastern European mop-wielding nymphettes. Surly, lazy and generally useless at cleaning, but at £8 an hour it’s not a bad rate for eye candy.
I think you’ll find that Tony is building up to a life changing announcement of some kind.
These announcements usually involve said bloke turning up to work in a trouser suit, ill fitting wig and high heels, snd telling everyone that they are now to be known as Antonia.
Do not, I repeat, do not ask this person to the pub again. Unless you are even less fussy than I give you credit for.
i wouldn’t have given up a drink for it, but i do tidy before the cleaner comes in… it is more efficient and floors getting cleaned faster if she doesn’t have to pick up discarded clothes.
I suspect he is sending you a subliminal message.
I’d def def tidy up too – can’t have anyone thinking I am a total slob – even if I am…but feck – give up a drink? Is the man insane?
Have to agree, especially with ofice cleaners, the old matronly ones have been replaced by the young good looking european girls.
By tidy up he probably means hide the wank mags and chuck the empty beer cans.
philip – but surely ‘tidy’ = ‘clean’?
Liberty – He is probably trying to cut down on lap dancing charges by employing a hot cleaner. That could make sense.
S Hamilton – He is a little bit effeminate.
ella – subliminal about what?
Wendz – He has gone down in my already low estimations.
Oli – Not here they haven’t. Oh no.
It depends if the cleaner is employed to:
1) ‘For god’s sake sort out my life as I’m a slob’ or;
2) Maintain my current state of cleanliness becasue I’m far to busy pulling and drinking pints.
Option 1 tends to get you sacked by the cleaner after a few months, option 2 generates a more long-term relationship leading to possible marriage.
Clean and tidy are two different things but I’d still have had a drink then tidied up later. Not that I can afford a cleaner.
I have never had a cleaner but if I did, I don’t think I’d tidy beforehand. I might put clothes away but I wouldn’t hoover and do the dusting. That’s just insanity. Go down the pub anyway I say.
Cleaning is where you scrape the crap off the furniture. Tidying is where you just cover it up with pizza-stained copies of Zoo. You never know, the cleaner might be a Russian beauty like Famke Janssen.
B.
greavsie – in his case it is definitely more the former than the latter.
Fussy bitch – I have done DIY pissed, but never cleaning. That would be stupid.
day in bed – Hello. If the options presented are a) Go down the pub or b) Anything else at all in the world ever, you always choose a). It is the law.
Badger – If they looked like that I’d hire two.
I agree, not worth missing a drink over
Angry – Isn’t that a glamorous image? Two clones of Famke Janssen scraping suspicious looking stains from the mantlepiece…
B.
I don’t get that either. Maybe people are embarassed by their slovenly ways, but I keep hearing versions of this story. If I could afford someone to come in and clean my house, I’d probably do the opposite of ‘tidying.’ I mean, if you’re paying someone to clean up after you, might as well get your money’s worth!
angry, im with you on this one. i have a housekeeper who comes in three times a week to clean my flat and making the place less messy than it already is– is the last thing on my mind.
i mean, if you can tidy up your place yourself, why are u wasting a money over a housekeeper? you can use the cash to treat urself some booze after you’re done with the housekeeping!
i have a theory, i think tim doesnt like you.
simple as that. 
Alright for some being able to afford a cleaner!!
enid’s been having problems with cleaners too. she’d much prefer to have a pint than to tidy up for hers. a pint of meths, even. (which, funnily enough, is what he’ll be reduced to soon.)