I have read in the news that the US television station ABC are going make a new celebrity reality show, the format of which will be similar to our own “Strictly Come Dancing”.
This is not a first, the Americans have been stealing the excrement from our screens for years now, so this should come as no surprise. What is a bit of a shock however, is the name of their first celebrity dancing contestant. It is the serial Beatle botherer and publicity-shy monoped, Heather Mills.
Unless it has grown back in the last few months, I believe she still has only one leg, which something of a disadvantage when it comes to dancing. I am not saying she should stay at home polishing her stump, far from it, but if I wanted to watch one-legged dancers I would go to the circus or get Bravo TV. As far as the actual competition is concerned, she is not really giving herself a chance here is she?
I am sure she is good at many things. Like smiling, marrying millionaires, and other stuff, but I just do not think her skills currently extend to moonwalking, which as everyone knows, is the secret to dancing success.
I am all for giving less fortunate people the chance to compete, which is why we let Fat Jim have a go at the Karaoke machine, but surely it should be a fair competition, one that could be won by any one of the contestants? You wouldn’t expect to see Kate Moss on Celebrity Fat Club, or Jade Goody on Celebrity Mastermind would you? This is just a publicity stunt, and it is clearly working.
And what about the other competitors? There is a very real chance that she will secure the country’s sympathy vote during the Okey-Cokey, and as a result might not be the first person voted off. Can you imagine if you were voted off before the one-legged lady? I personally, would be fucking furious.
However, I admit that it would make great live TV to see Beverly Hills 90210′s Ian Zeiring screaming, “What? Are you kidding? She’s got one fucking leg! Seriously dude, I played Steve Sanders in hit teen drama and ratings winner Beverly Hills 90210, there is no way she can dance better than me!”
What odds do you think you’d get on a tearful Heather Mills winning the whole bloody thing?
NB: I reserve the right to change my opinion if she can actually dance. Which let’s be honest, is pretty unlikely.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
And here I thought it was the Robot that was the secret to dancing success…
Years of work. All for nothing.
[Scuttled off to practice Moonwalking]
Lets go to the Hop!
All we are saying
Is give the Omnipod a chance!
Lets face it, considering the previous retards that the tearful 15 year old girls, and I think Betty too, a one legged bird stands a pretty good chance.
What?!?!!?
La Cubana Gringa – The robot is a very close second. If you can do both you could make a living from dancing. Honestly.
Billyboy – The more I think about it, the better chance I think she has…
Oli – Our Betty?….You sure you want to go there?…
Betty – I am sure he meant someone else, probably.
Is Heathers appearance on a really crappy TV show, her attempt at making us all feel guilty for being bastards about her and McCartneys break up/divorce!
having said that I think it would really cheer me up and no doubt piss her off, if they made her dance along to D.i.v.o.r.c.e. preferably with a one armed partner…
Or am I just sick?????
ps…
Moondwalking???? and just how fcuking old are you???
The waltz is the only way to dance!
I have been agog all night with excitement, until I remembered that it was on American telly and that I don’t live there.
Perhaps they are doing a punk rock special, cos she’d be a dab hand at the pogo.
What with that, the former bemulleted country star Billy Ray Cyrus, fat, former ‘N Sync member Joey Fatone and Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero from the Sopranos, this is promising to be car crash telly of the highest standard. Bwahahahahahahaha!!!
PS, if anyone is intending to be in the audience, don’t sit at the front. Cos when that leg comes flying off, it’s going to kill someone.
“Lets face it, considering the previous retards that the tearful 15 year old girls usually vote for on these shows, and I think Betty might just vote on too, a one legged bird stands a pretty good chance of winning.”
Dont know what happened there!
May I point out that I was mearly stating that I get the feeling that the delightful Miss Betty might send in the occasioanly voting text to these shows, not that she is a 15 year old retard.
And angry, here you see absolute proof that you are not the only person who can completely fuck something up.
I thought you meant I was a bad dancer.
Which I am.
And no, I am not a text-to-vote kind of person. Definitely not.
I will let you off this time, only because you said delightful.
I love Heather. It’s so awful for her, being hounded by the press and receiving death threats and being more famous than Paul Whatshisname. No-one cared about that bloke until he married Heather and look how he’s treating her, now he’s famous from basking in her reflected glory. Who IS he, anyway? I’ve never heard any of the Beatles music myself. And if I had, I’d probably prefer the Rolling Stones.
Can’t wait to see her doing the tango – that requires some sophisticated legwork!
just another ploy to get sympathy (and she will) and a few bucks to pay her lawyers.
i bet she does some mean grooving to Limp Biskit.
I like the whole format of ‘celebrities doing stuff they’re not famous for’…
Aside from the fact that ‘celebrity’ is often too strong a word to use, it’s great to see the desperate clamour for attention in exponentially belittling circumstances.
I want to see ‘Celebrity firefighters’ and ‘Gone battling’, where the camera hungry nobodies get sent into a blazing inferno with minimal training or just sent to the front in Iraq… either will do.
We Americans would like you lot to stop off-loading your rubbish television ideas and your b-list celebrities on us, thanks. We own that sort of export, we plonked a set of mickey mouse ears on it, inserted a cheap set of silicon jiggly bits, shaved its head and sent it out into the world to proudly represent our fine nation.
Geez, what are you going to try to shift next? Overpriced slightly aging football stars with anatomically improbable wives?
Alan – Moonwalking is still the best dance move ever. Fact.
S Hamilton – Of course we will see it over here. This is why they invented Youtube.
Oli – The fuck-up-fairy has been dishing it out a lot lately.
Betty – Practise the moonwalk, you will be fine.
Minnie – Hello. She has been very brave agreeing to go on US National TV three weeks after pleading for privacy.
Ceiguilla – Assuming she is still in after week 1?
Zed – She might as well dance with a hat out for donations
Adam York – Hello. I think Celebrity Fire-fighters has definite potential. You should contact Channel 4.
Megan – (are you new? Hello if you are – I am losing track of everyone now) We are not that cruel with our exports…
Mr Angry, everbody on here should try this….
http://users.skynet.be/bk258512/idiot_test.swf
You should never mock the aflicted Angry.
One day you may develop a dibilitating disease that will leave you permantly livid – It’s a version of Tourette’s which makes you angry at everything, dislike the French, you become envious of your rocket scientist friends and throw condoms at random birds in M&S.
I’ve heard it’s incurable.
What is Strickly Come Dancing? Did I miss another major cultural event?
Can’t say I understand why people are in to those dancey shows really, the celebs don’t get enough of a chance to make fools of themselves on them so its never great telly is it? I met someone who was dead serious about trying to get together a dancing on ice style thing going with blind dancers… “blindies on ice” I suppose. Up until now I thought it was a shite idea, but from what I’ve seen of American telly it could easily become “EXTREME CRACK WHORE CRIPPLES ON ICE AND SPIKES” if the wrong channel got hold of it. I’d give up my Saturday night to watch that… might even become a text votery type!
It does open the door on a lot of sabotage opportunities for her opponents though. Saw halfway through the leg and just wait, hide it and let her be disqualified. Coat the foot in grease or some other slippery substance. Or indeed something very sticky.
Fit a powerful magnet inside and hide another in the stage floor? Or enlist the help of a geek from Robot Wars and fit a radio controlled device and let rip with a joy stick!
What fun!
Oh, that stupid show has been on for years now. Well, at least three. I’ve successfully avoided it until now and I’m sure I’ll be just as successful at plugging-my-ears-and-shrieking-until-the-channel-is-changed now that a one-legged Brit is on “Dancing with the Stars”
I always think of Heather when I listen to Abbey Road. That’s when I get to “You Never Give Me Your Money”, rather than “Here Comes the Sun”, obviously.
Must be awful to be so poor.
I have 2 legs and I can’t “moonwalk” or “do robotics” What the hell chance has heather got??
P.s I wanna “moonwalk” and “do robotics” anyone in the S.E of England wanna teach me? (for free, maybe a can or 2 of Kronenbourg 1664 to “keep hydrated”)
I don’t think moonwalking can be learned. I think it is a God-given natural talent bestowed only on those who deserve it.
Is it easier to do if you got paraquet(?) floors and wear socks?? and is it possible to learn to “do robotics”? or is that a God-given natural talent bestowed only on those who deserve it.
If so I will be destined to only be able to do the conga, timewarp and hokey cokey.Oh! and Y.M.C.A
you should start a fan’s club, angry.
and yes, how old are you, angry?! moonwalking like the great grandpa of dancing moves now.
You have a natural talent for the Y.M.C.A., Steve? Eek!
And may I just say that I for one would very much like to see Jade Goody on Celebrity Mastermind, personally. I like things that make me feel clever.
Mr A, have just caught up with your last few postings and you seem to be not as cross as usual? Are you secretly getting lots of the ‘sex thing’ and it’s making you less angry?
Mrs F – I think he might have hooked up with his ex-missus, Palmela…
Tee-hee.
B.
Badger – is that Mrs Palmela and her five daughters?
Mrs F – You are indeed correct.
B.
I’m shocked at all this wanton abuse directed at the lovely Ms Mills. Honestly, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.
Sole or skate?
Channel 4, eh?
I was going to send them another celebrity related idea… Celebrity Battle Royale.
Based on the film of the same name, the celebs will each be given a rucksack containing various weapons (voted for by the public, therefore a reflection of their popularity) before being made to hunt each other down.
It’s a way of thinning out the numbers.
I just want to see Richard Madely, armed with a colander running away from a knife wielding Venessa Feltz.
I will be sitting front row and will personally roll marbles onto the stage when Yoko 2.0 comes out a dancin’