There is a knock at the door.
I answer it to three youths, of about 16, who start singing in a dreadful voice.
“Siiiiilent Night, Hoooooly night..”
This takes me by surprise in two ways. Firstly, I thought I was about to be robbed by burglars too lazy to break in, and secondly, because I have never heard a Christmas carol sung by someone in a hoodie. This is what it must be like for Simon Cowell in the early rounds of X-Factor.
Rather than simply tell them how bad they are, I decide to show them how it should be sung. This is just one of the ways in which I am better than Simon Cowell.
“ALLLLL IS CALMMM, ALLLL IS BRIGHT!!!” I vocalised loudly.
It is fair to say this took them by surprise. One of them stopped, but the other two carried on. Fair play to them, you need to have determination if you’re going to make in this game.
“Round Your Virgin, Mother and Child…” they continued, watching me intently.
“HOOOOLY INFANT SO TENDER AND MILD!!” I responded.
I was better, louder and more lyrically accurate. It was a bit like playing singstar on the Playstation against complete strangers. I did not celebrate this victory in thier faces however, I understand that not everyone can be as talented as me.
I was somewhat dumbstruck when they held out a santa hat as if I was going to give them some money. Surely they owed me money? I sang back at them, louder and closer to the actual tune, just.
If I had given them money, it would be like me paying someone to come round and play guitar for me. I am better, so I don’t need you, and would say no give the choice, which I wasn’t.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Fortunately living in the dead centre of a city keeps the carol singers away. Any effort of Silent night will almost surely result in bottle to the skull from the pub next door.
I quite fancy Simon Cowell.
Nice Xmas logo Angry.
I have images of you in that hat and nothing else racing through my mind
:0)
I have the same image in my head now too, Moomoo.
Frightening.
You got to love Google adsense. This post gave me “The New Rock Sensation” and an insovency ad titled “Overspent on Christmas?”
I had that Carol Kirkwood, Carol Smillie and Carol Vorderman round the other day for a singalong. I thought my luck was in but then Bob Carolgees showed up and spoiled it all by spitting a lot.
That’s about as true as a virgin birth, which is actually possible – komodo lizards at Chester zoo have just done it – but hasn’t yet been achieved by female humans. So, maybe the Carols came round and maybe they didn’t. Your judgement doesn’t affect me and my family.
You’re making it up. Shurely.
Didn’t you offer them a Wassail cup?
Oli – You live next door to a pub? Ace!
Betty – Freak!
MooMoo – They will haunt your dreams forever…
Betty – You love it, admit it…
BoT – They give with one hand, and with the other they take away…
MC Glammer – I have a story about Carol vorderman shitting her trousers I will tell one day…
Peter – It is true! (If a couple of years old…and with a little artistic licence)
z – A what now?
I make my carollers sing a second one just to make sure it’s not a ruse for extracting money cheaply.
I do stand at the door fully clothed though.
Happy Holidays Mr. Angry, bloggers and lurkers.
Ding dong merrily on high.
Within 100 yards I have 2 nightclubs about 20 pubs, italian, fish and chips, chinese some Taiwanese noodle bar, a brewery (with its own pub) 2 working mens clubs (Though due to my aversion of the word ‘work’ I am a member of neither) my office, 3 food shops, loads of little shops, some kind of christian rock church (never been in) 3 normal churches, all of whom seem to secretly dispise the rock church. York city walls, the only gate the queen of england is allowed to enter by (And she has to ask permission from our mayor mwoahahaha) 1 part time strip club, another being built, some new restraunt ive never been in, 3 sandwich shops (One also does amazing jacket potatos) and a post office (I hear they are becoming pretty rare nowdays)
greavsie – Nudity does make them speed up a bit.
Gishungwa – Hello, you too!
Dr Clip – “In heaven the bells are ringing”. Your turn.
I had two liitle oiks at my door a few hours ago, one started sniggering and the other started to sing ‘We wish you a merry…….’ I was tempted to follow your lead Angry and join in but I’m afraid I failed miserably to pluck up the courage, so I muttered ‘Bah!’ as I slammed the door instead.
Ha ha nice one angry! Fortunately for me i live in a top floor flat and the lazy fekkers can’t be bothered to climb a few flights of stairs – oh what a shame!
I thought you were g be the guitar player and the Funny Girl was going sing!
Did they finish the song? Surely they didn’t expect money for having sung two lines, one of them being wrong?
That’s a coincidence, because I have a story about Richard Whiteley. Not shitting his pants though, so probably not as good a story.
Virign births are true, though. The scientists reckon if conditions were safe for the survival of the human species with only females that would happen and males would be gone within two generations. They’d only be birthed again if conditions for survival changed and chicks needed guys again, probably when the shelves fall down and the fuses blow.
very funny, Mr Angry – i wish i had the courage to do the same, but more likely to hide behind the sofa with the children.
BTW – I can change a fuse and i have even put up a shelf, but i find that a man in my life is still an attractive proposition.