We had a large customer meeting in our Head Office recently. As an Important Person I had to do a little bit of meeting and greeting to the arriving hoards.
Just before the customers began arriving we undertook some last minute preparation on the main room where everyone would spend the day. It was all hands on deck as everyone did their bit for the cause.
“I’ll just go and check the room is OK,” said Tracey, a slightly insane colleague I have mentioned before.
The rest of us stood there ticking check-lists and patting each other on the back on a job well done, so far. We looked at what we had done, and it was good.
Then it happened.
“Can you smell burning?” asked Office Monkey 1.
“Yeah, I think I can!” replied Office Monkey 2.
Now, my sense of smell is irreparably damaged after spending years with a girlfriend who bathed herself in Chanel No. 5, so I followed my colleagues to the main presentation room unaware of what the fuss was.
Then I noticed what the Fuss was. There, on the floor in the corner, with a crystal in one hand and a small piece of burning incense in the other, sat Tracey.
“What, in the name of fuck are you doing you complete loon?!” I screamed.
“I’m doing some Reiki to balance the energy in the room and to get rid of any negative energy, and I’m also filling the room with white light.” she responded in a calm trance-like state.
I stood there and looked at her in much the same way a girlfriend did would look at you if stood in the hall of her parents house, naked but for a wide grin, and covered head to toe in body chocolate, just as her parents pulled onto the drive.
“We have important customer event in ten minutes and this place smells like a fucking hippies boudoir! Put it out, now!!”
And so she did. And she took her crystals with her. I am quite sure I have a hex on me now, but seriously…
The people around here are laughing it off, yet I continue to have murderous thoughts. Would I be out of order if I acted upon them?
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
O god, fucking hippies, we hada meeting where the bird was refusing to close teh blinds for a presention from a projector because
“It would destroy the feng shui (Or however tis spelt) and make the room a dangerous room. She was politely told that we didnt care about the dragons of unhappines we cared about the presentation and politely told her to get the fuck out.
Thanks god she wasnt a customer.
Head to toe in body chocolate?
Ahahahaha.
My sister has just qualified as a Reiki level 2 practitioner, whilst some may consider her a loon, she is also well on her way to completing her doctorate in Psychology.
Anyway the Reiki vibes she sent me to cure my man flu, must be caught in the M4 traffic.
Cough.
ooh angry that threshers vouncher thingy is real app. its on the bbc web page!!
Oli – So I can harm her then?
NF – Long time no see. It had to be this that brought you back didn’t it?
Dr Clip – Two medical professionals in one family, they must be so proud.
Ellie – Do not believe it! As you can see on the post, you got 40% of for 6 bottles anyway, and Clare saw a poster saying the same outside a store. It is marketing!!
“What, in the name of fuck are you doing you complete loon?!” I screamed.
I love your tact and diplomacy Mr Angry!
Priceless!
You should trump her hex with, like, a sept, or an oct if you can manage one.
Angry – it would seem some of the smoke from the incense has had ebbed into your subconscious! reflective time??? what the fuck… act on first instinct i say!
Got to agree with sooz – pricless use of tact.
I wonder if thresshers sell body chocolate?
Did you know per chance that they are doing a bloody fabulous discount. But dont tell anyone I told you.
You wouldn’t have murderous thoughts if you’d let her finish. You need more white light, obviously. Call her, I’m sure she’d oblige you.
Very strange. I was watching oz and james’ wine adventure thingy last night and they came across mystic wine making. I couldn’t quite believe it, it’s like it’s a big piss take. Maybe all these mystic types are playing one big joke on the rest of us…
Is she worth a S**g??
You should get one of those voodoo dolls, name it Tracey and then threaten to put staples in it if she pisses you off…
I second NF Girl.
Hahahahahahahaha.
Ahahaha.
I’ve lived with one of these hippy pillocks, and he was in to all this positive energy thingamybob as well.
I actually got a lecture about putting the lid of the bog down that had something to do with chi or something or other.
The problem was and is that he’s also rather good at some form of kung fu and not the most placid of chaps (must be all that chi he’s got bottled up) so I did what any wuss would do and pretended to take it in.
Angry – beat her to death with one of those horrible smelly candle things, and give her an extra jab on my behalf.
That’s like, such a bad karma, angry.
Dodgy Bob – I have spare Dodec somewhere…
Oli -
jnrcrank – first instinct would probably have seen in me a maximum security prison by now..
Billyboy – Yes, it is 40% off.
Fussy Bitch – I don’t even know what White light is, except if you see it, it is generally not a good sign.
marycub – It wouldn’t be the first time I felt like the joke was on me…
Alan – Not even with yours mate, not even with yours…
ldbug – been there, done that, she’s still here…
Léonie – I assume that was a typo and what you meant was, “OoooOOOooOOOoooo…”
Scott – A kung-fu reiki practitioner? Is he a ninja?
Murphy – I think I am owed quite a lot as it is…
Idiot. Her. Not you.
Not sure that straight out murder is the answer, but a good solid twatting should do the trick in my humble opinion.
Ps. That’s more like it.
Or should I say GRRR?
Wow. I’m impressed.
uh, ok think I got it now…
What an idiot, every knows you’re suppose to burn Sage.