Due to a prolonged period of injury, which has prevented me playing football, I have developed what I guess you could call a ‘Christmas Tum’. It is just a few extra pounds normally associated with a couple of weeks of partying, excess food, and little or no exercise.
As it is not Christmas yet, despite what the windows at Woolworths tell you, I have decided to try and get rid of this ‘tum’, and so have started going for a run in the mornings before work. Nothing too strenuous, two or three miles tops. So far, this hasn’t been too bad, and getting up 30 minutes earlier hasn’t killed me yet.
However, Sunday was my flatmates birthday so we went to the pub for a few beers and some food in the evening. This meant that my head was still a little fuzzy when I awoke early on Monday morning and clambered into my running gear. Still, I got dressed, switched on my iPod, and off I trotted on my familiar route.
Fast forward about ten minutes, and we get to the point where my plan began to fail. Badly.
Guinness is a wonderful beverage, and I won’t have a bad word said against it. However, it does have some rather unsavoury effects on the digestive system. These effects came to the fore at precisely 7:13am, whilst I was 1.5 miles from my flat.
These effects did not gradually catch-up up on me though, oh no, they just appeared from absolutely nowhere (like Fat Jim when I’m at the Bar) and instantly began chuckling at my misfortune. Had there have been some kind of warning I could’ve taken some preventative measures before leaving the flat, or even decided against a run (any excuse to avoid running is readily accepted).
Unfortunately there was no forewarning.
So here I am, in a big park, a little way from home, with no-one around, with The Prodigy telling me to Smack My Bitch Up, and with an urgent call of nature beckoning me more loudly by the second.
Tell me, what would you have done?
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Found a plant with big leaves fast.
Bushes are always a good bet i hear. Watch out for the used condoms and syringes.
Just count yourself lucky you weren’t in front of 15,000 baying spectators as I was in the London Marathon.
Sorry, forgot, I’m a labrador. I ONLY do it outside.
Call me picky but since when does two miles in thirty minutes count as a “run”. It’s hardly a fast walk even.
Done toilet in my pants in front of children and said ‘see big boys can do it too’
Angry,
I share in your fustrations. In my morning runs (excuse the pun)I also suffer from what is commonly known in elite athlete circles as “runners trots”.
Last week I almost lost control outside of a well known tourist heritage site, I had to stop running and employ the “waddle technique” to walk home with my legs close together and bowels clenched.
This typically happens after a night on the booze but I am also consious that maybe I am getting old and just losing my basic faculties.
I would do what I’m sure you did which was clench and speedwalk back to flat. I do not believe for one minute that you would contemplate crapping in a large national park where children frollick and deer leap gracefully.
Oli – that was option number 1.
Marycub – not many bushes, it’s more your wide open space type park
Murphy – If I were a labrador I’d be more worried about my constant nakedness.
Dr J – I was warming up!!
RD – Now that’s what I call committment to your profession. Unless it was just for fun?
Dr Clip – I’m putting this down to a booze related incident. It can’t be early onset incontinence, can it?
TJ – It’s almost like you were spying on me…
I did wonder if I pooed in my underwear if it would stay in the elaticated walls or dribble down my leg.
As it turned out, when I got home, it was a medium solid log type, possibly to big to be contained.
Ah, I feel your pain. Luckily, this is more common for me after about 10 mi in the afternoon. So, mornings are usually OK.
One particullarly long run a couple years ago, I had that feeling hit about a mile from home. I seriously considered knocking on a neighbor’s door. Instead I picked up the pace and sprinted the last mile home! Yeah, you think you can’t sprint in that condition? Oh, yes you can, just put in the fear of poo and you will run, yes, you.will.run.
Ugly, very ugly. I’m with ldbug, run, run fast, run very very fast
You actually get up 30 minutes early? (you don’t just set your alarm 30 minutes early, to then turn it of and think, bugger it today?)
You actaully wear running gear? (you bought special clothing, to do excersize?)
You actually make it out the door to go running? More than 2 lampost further?
Gee wiz, you lost me after you got up 30 minutes early.
The only advise I can think of, that might even save some time, making it only 28 minutes earlier you have to get up, and thats Up& go from Libero!
Dr Clip – 20/20 hindsight eh?
Ldbug – can’t do afternoons, as the day job gets in the way…
BoT – I ran like the wind. Literally.
Lazytracy – It is part of a new regime, however, there have been one or two extra cold mornings where I’ve just listened to the radio instead of getting up.
I have this step uncle… it is slightly related stick with me… I mean this story not the uncle obviously…
he’s a builder/painter/something quite chavvy. on one of the rare occasions that we mix company, we’re in a pub celebrating something or other. I get back from the bar to here the tail-end of a conversation between him and a seemingly nice young lass he’d been cracking on too. He spoke thus:
“You disgust me love… and you’re talking to a man who’s shat in his own sock and buried it!”
He wouldn’t tell me what she said, still won’t to this day, but I thought it was an amazing line – been wondering if its re-usable ever since but not tried yet… I mean this line not the sock obviously.
Hi.
As a frequent hillwalker, I’m used to shitting in the open. But it is a bit strange at first. The key thing is to pull your pants forward with one hand, while you balance with the other. Otherwise the obvious will happen, and boy then will you be smelly!
Nice blog u got.
Scott – perhaps they will dig it up in 3006 when they read my World Blog Day post and all will be revealed?
Peter – Hello. Thank you for that wonderful image, you will fit right in here…
Yeah, I know. I have that problem too. Evenings or mornings during the week. But I reserve my really long runs for the weekend so I usually do afternoons.
You should train for a marathon!! I’m up to long runs of 14mi…next week 18mi, then, then…we’ll see
Oh please! No! You didn’t?!
I would’nt know what to do except to err clench and pretend it wasn’t happening!
What did YOU do Angry?
Once had to “Pooh” outside, but used my sock to wipe the nether regions…
just found your blog from DG.
LOL.
You would not have had this problem here in Seoul.
It must have the world highest concentration of public toilets. Our local park has no less than 6 toilets.
Its not the shitting outside that is the problem, but the lack of bog role so you get an itchy arse.