The day before I went on my recent golf holiday I went to the local driving range for one last practise session, the one that would ensure I broke 70 for the first time whilst on tour. The automated machine said £3.50 for the 50 balls that I wanted to hit, or £4.50 for 75 that I didn’t want to hit. For some reason my membership card only had £2.50 on it.
“I’d like to add some money to my card please.” I said to the manager of the driving range facility.
“Sure, that’ll be £10.”
“I’d just like to add enough to make it up to £10.50, thanks, so just the £8 will do.”
“It only comes in £10 increments.”
“That doesn’t make sense, why would you sell it in increments that bear no relation to my use of the card?”
“You don’t need to use it all at once.”
“That’s not the point, the point is I’m always going to have some money left on the card, which I don’t want. I want to be able to get it down to zero.”
“That’s fine. You don’t need to use it all at once.”
“Are you even listening to me? I know I don’t need to use it at once. I just want enough so that when I’ve used all of my £3.50 increments, there is no money on my card. If I keep adding £10, and only use £3.50 at a time, at my current usage rate, I can never, ever, for all of eternity, get that card down to zero. It is basic mathematics. Do you understand?”
He looked at me as if my last point had been made in some indecipherable language like Flemish or Geordie. He then forced a smile onto his face and continued.
“No problem, you just have to buy it in £10 increments.”
“You are a little bit mental aren’t you?”
“It’s £10.”
“Fuck off.”
So, my question is, does anybody want to buy a Golf Club driving range card with £2.50 on it?
And no, I didn’t break 70, and yes, it’s all his fucking fault.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Once you hit £70 you would have been able to clear your card to zero using £3.50′s all the time, its the basis of mathmatics…
I’m sensing it’s not £70 you’d be hitting, but Oli.
Tough news re the tour. Perhaps you could sue the bastard. An American certainly would. By my reckoning he owes you the price of the holiday plus at least £200,000 in punitive damages for “spoiled enjoyment” or whatever the term is. Specially since you didn’t pull either.
Oli – I knew I could get there eventually… but her certainly didn’t!
Dr J – Punitive damages, I like it! And who says I didn’t pull! Just because this isn’t a sex blog…
You could have taken your card up by £10 to £12.50 and used it in two sessions of £4.50 and one of £3.50.
(And I’m only a dog)
Murphy & everyone! – I realise I could’ve got it down to zero eventually. Only a complete moron wouldn’t have worked that out. My point is that this was a temporary thing till my golf holiday, and I only wanted to hit 50 balls, not 75, because hitting 75 balls into a field would just be ridiculous.
Why did you want to add £8 then? That would have meant hitting 150 balls into a field. Aha!
(I bet you now just get angry and tell me to fuck off like you did the Geordie bloke. That would be the John Prescott way)
Murphy – Although it was my planned last visit, I could’ve, theoretically, have squeezed in another two visits.
And fuck off. (I do not like being compared to John Prescott, I have much better dress sense)
This isn’t a sex blog?
You didnt break 70?
Thank christ for that.
I’ve been playing for 3 years and am still hopeless at it. I’ve had lessons and lessons but still only managed 2 good games in all that time.
I think I am just shit at the game.
You could have shoved the card in his jaws to keep his mouth open, kicked him to the floor, and then driven your remaining balls into his mouth.
oh hang on, that doesn’t sound right.
‘scuse me, but you said a post or two back that it wasn’t THAT sort of holiday. Now I think you owe it to us to spill the beans. You know you want to….
“And fuck off. (I do not like being compared to John Prescott, I have much better dress sense) ”
But similar looks?
ellie – it is, obviously, just not a very good one
RD – Personal best is 78, but rarely get close to that nowadays
Dr Clip – You’re right, it sounds very very wrong. In many many ways.
Dr J – It may come up in a post next week.
Oli – No, in right-hook technique.
Well, if hitting 75 balls into a field is ridiculous, what is hitting just 1 ball all over a rather bigger field?
Tight AND angry? Tsk! *gets coat*