This month sees the release of the most fantastically named film of all-time. Samuel L Jacksons soon-to-be-classic, “Snakes on a plane”.
I think all films should be titled this way. It’s like buying a tin of Cuprinol, it does exactly what it says on the tin. Far too many times I have been to the cinema and thought, “That was a bit shit, I wish I’d known that before spending £8 and 2 hours on it”. I believe that more descriptive film titles would definitely help in this regard.
It is probably a ploy of film-makers who realise they have a shit product, “Let’s give it a catchy title and people will flock to the cinemas and local DVD retail outlets like the sheep they are!”. This must explain the cinematic turd that is “Wolf Creek”. A clue, there are no wolves in it.
Can you guess what Snakes On A Plane is about? Go on, guess. Samuel L Jackson agreed to be in this film before he even read the script or discussed his fee. “I read the title and knew I had to be in this movie”. Even without reading the script this was an informed choice, as let’s be honest, we pretty much know what’s going to happen in the film don’t we? If you don’t like snakes or planes, then don’t go and see the film. If you’re a snake-rearing amateur pilot, then this is the film for you.
Not all films are as helpfully titled though. Oh no.
Do you know what the film “Steel Magnolias” is about? No? Well, it’s not about large metalic flowering plants (a bit like small Triffids) that come to life and kill people, I’ll give you that much. If it had been called “Birds in a Beauty Parlour” I would not have bought the DVD. Unless they added the word ‘naked’ somewhere in the title.
It is not just relatively recent films that are guilty of these misleading naming conventions, even movies considered as classics can be misleading. Don’t you think that “Mohican Madman loses it” would be a better title for Taxi Driver?
I’ve retitled a few films I’ve seen recently, can you tell what they are? Or maybe suggest a few new titles of your own.
“Taxi ride with a contract killer”
“How to pull an chronic Amnesiac”
“Killing the missus whilst she tries to kill me”
“Left behind for the sharks”
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Big Effing Shark Chokes on Mullet (Jaws)
Sigourney Weaver in a Tight White Vest + the odd ugly fucker (Aliens)
Boy fucks pie (American Pie)
Katie Holmes gets her tits out (The gift i think)
I disagree with “Left behind for the sharks”
Should be “2 hours of fucking dialogue”
£8?? What cinema do u go to?? Or do you sit in the (apparent) posh seats? And i thought Leicester was expensive!
The last film i saw was ‘Dead Man’s Shoes’, this film should’ve been titled ‘Ex soldier seeks revenge for his retarded brother by massacring the local drugs barons in horrible and horrific ways’ which i reckon would definitely have got the punters into the cinema. However i’m not sure this title would fit on the cinema’s “whats on?” displays.
I would hazard a guess at
1)collatoral
2)can’t remember name but it was a romcom with Drew Barrymore and I think it was Ben Stiller
3)Mr & Mrs Smith
4)Deep something (not to be confused with a XXX movie)
Do I win a prize or did I need to be more specific?
Agree with TJ on 1 and 3. 2 is something like The 50th Date. Agree with Oli on 4.
I’m not sure if I agree with your assessment of the Snake on the Plane title though. I saw a preview and it seems to promise much much much more than just snakes on a plane. Spiders and open spaces and height and very obese people and any other objects of common phobias.
Did you hear what the studio tried to change the movie title to? Something like “Flight 716″ or something equally bland. Appearently the good Mr. Jackson complained to the effect of “Its a ^&*^& movie about *&^* snakes on a (*&(* plane.”
I applaud his honesty.
So on that basis you are a fan of “Four Weddings and A Funeral” as oppossed to say “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”?
Oli – “Katie Holmes gets her tits out”, I think I’ve got that on DVD somewhere
Marycub – It thinks about £7.50 including the booking fee, this is the Royal Borough after all…
TJ – Yes, a winner! You are officially the iamlivid.com nerd of the day!
Ellie – you are half a nerd. And you can’t put everything in the title, I’ll settle for the salient points.
BoT – “muthafucka snakes on a muthauckin’ plane” is actually a much better title, don’t you think? Samuel L is ace.
Grigio – Nope, read it again. I like a title that tells you whats is to come. Therefore I can avoid “Four Weddings..etc” unless I am trying to impress a bird with my feminine side.
Turtlesheads in me keks
A 5hr epic of a mans struggle with encorpresis.
Anyways, moving swiftly on, I thought bullet proof monk was a great name for a film, but was disapointed with the actual movie.
Film4 have been showing some appaling movies, Notting fucking Hill. Jesus. I would rather eat from a colostomy bag than watch watch Hugh Bastard grant.
“I am livid” makes a nice title.
I think the Adult industry has the title thing spot on, these films do what they say:
dirty teens anal fuck fest*
big titted nurses gang bang*
cum drinking amateur sluts*
Oi you, come back here with my andrex.
Well, what do I get? I want more than a title, despite the theme of today’s lividness.
RD – Bullet Dodging Monk would’ve been more accurate, but it was a good title.
Banana – hopefully some hollywood exec types will agree and throw money at me then?
Dr Clip – Thank you, I look forward to the surge of dodgy Google search hits you’ve just guaranteed me.
TJ – You get the piss taken out of you all day, what more do you want? Everyone, please take the piss out of TJ! The best “Hooker” pun wins a prize (can you guess what it will be?)
I’m still chuckling at the thought of you watching Steel Magnolias and waiting for the violent bits. Though Julia Roberts did have a bit of a paddy at one point, I think.
Oooh Oooh. DVD’s of Wiggy and Heather up for grabs?
How bout, “TJ, you fell for that one Hooker Line and Stinker.”
*slightly worried I might be showing my age there, but what the heck*
Hypocrit! I seem to remember you giving advice about standing up to bullies the other week!
It’s become apparant that
Angry’s a fucker
so up yours
from TJ Hooker!
z – I waited for Julia Roberts to slain in half by a mutant metallic triffid, but it never arrived.
Dr J – That’s the spirit!
TJ – This is not me bullying, I’m simply encouraging others to bully you. This makes a massive difference in a court of law.
Theres no such thing as verbal bullying, only comeback retards.
“James and The Giant Peach” was porn.
You know it.
And just for you, Angry, here is some extra Google publicity:
“Naked men running around and eating cake”
“Rolf Harris on fire”
“Pope turd”
“Star Whores”
“WANKY WOO!”
“Jenna Jameson shags giraffes”
shags giraffes
shags giraffes
shags giraffes
shags giraffes
B.
“James and The Giant Peach” was porn.
You know it.
And just for you, Angry, here is some extra Google publicity:
“Naked men running around and eating cake”
“Rolf Harris on fire”
“Pope turd”
“Star Whores”
“WANKY WOO!”
“Jenna Jameson shags giraffes”
shags giraffes
shags giraffes
shags giraffes
shags giraffes
B.
“Cowboys, But Gay Ones”
“We Made Some Dinosaurs”
“Talking Fish Loses Talking Fish Son”
“He Sees Dead People”
“Cartoon lion does some stuff then dies”
“Boat full of arseholes hits ice and goes south”
“Retards life story on bench”
“Secret agent hasn’t died in 60 years yet keeps killing Ruskies”
I’m just starting to rant at films now.
“Speccy fucker plays with wands”
Help me.
Al.
I have to say i am lovin’ “Speccy fucker plays with wands”
Sheer brilliance.
“Retards life story on bench”
I think the title Forest Gump gives you the retard bit.
I think the best bit about Snakes on a Plane was that it was pressure from people on the net saying “we HAVE to have Samuel L Jackson saying ‘I want these muthafuckin snakes off this muthafuckin’ plane NOW’” that got him interested in the project in the first place…
Badger – Hello, and thanks for your assistance in getting me recognised on Google.
Cliff – Hello, plot spoilers in the title, I like it!
annie – Hello, there are going to be too many best bits in this film to list them all…
Angry – put “shags giraffes” in Google…see what comes up…
DON’T PUT IT ON IMAGE SEARCH!
And Forest Gump should have been called “Forest ‘tard”. I don’t like being mislead…
B.