“Ffffffft fffffft ffffft”
There are noises in this world that make you want to harm your fellow man. There are noises so evil that they make you want to harm yourself. Badly. And there are noises, those from the very bowels of hell, that make you want to instantly crucify the person making them.
Noises like fingernails being scratched down a blackboard, or a screaming baby.
But none of these has the bone-chilling stress-inducing effect of a woman filing her nails.
The very thought of it sends shivers down my spine, the relentless “ffffft ffffft ffffft” as Satan herself (if God could be a ‘she’, why can’t the Devil? You don’t get the womens libbers going on about that do you?) drags that file over the end of her fingers. It goes through me like a cheesewire through a testicle.
No girlfriend of mine has ever been able to file her nails in my presence for fear of bodily harm or seeing a grown man cry. But not being a dater of old ladies the woman on the train had not had a relationship with me and so she didn’t know my aversion to the filing. As she began to file, I started to bleed from the ears so I turned up my iPod to drown out the sound, but I could still see her and in my head The Kooks were being drowned out by a relentless, yet imaginary, “fffft ffffft ffffft”.
I began to sweat.
“I’m sorry, but would you mind not doing that?“, I asked politely. I find it hard to be rude to old people, they are my nemesis’s, or nemisii.
“Is it bothering you dear?“, she replied clearly not noticing the gibbering wreck I was turning into.
“Yes, quite a lot I’m afraid”
“Well, the good news is I’m nearly finished!” she concluded, smiling her fake old person teeth at my whitening face.
She then continued to grind away at her decaying human matter, turning it into a fine dust that drifted across the train carriage. At least I think that’s what she did, as I had my eyes closed and had assumed the fetal position whilst desperately trying to find a “Happy Place”.
How serious is it if you kill an old person in cold blood?
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
It is quite serious…..
I’ll be looking out for you on next months Crime Watch.
Cheesewire through a testicle?
I did NOT need that image first thing on a Friday morning… You have an evil mind angry, pure evil…
As to old ladies and nails, she is not a lady. Things nailish and public do not go together. No court would convict you.
I regularly put make-up on whilst on public transport, even going so far as to curl my eyelashes, and this is partly because it annoys some people and I like looking at people trying not to watch. I wouldn’t ever, EVER file my nails, though, because people like you would kill me dead. And I would deserve it. Filing your nails in public is tantamount to requesting a swift execution, everyone knows that. There’s a law about it, I think, so next time go right ahead.
AFC – Hypothetically speaking of course…
BoT – Evil? SHE was the one ‘doing’ her nails!
Léonie – You’re right. I would kill you to death in the blink of an eye.
I notice the actual noise doesn’t appear to bother anyone but me…
I don’t like the noise.
I also don’t like how it feels. Ugh.
I don’t file my nails, I cut them. And they are lovely, I can assure you.
Why file your nails on a train, thats pretty much the same as cutting them on the train using nail clippers!
The tapping sound of keyboards has the same effect on me. Even when I am the one doing the tapping.
Makes office life a nightmare actually!
I’ve got a strange aversion to the sound of pots and pans being rattled. Its not as tho I am trying to avoid cooking, the noise simply drives me insane.
NF – Do you cut them in polite company? And do you cut them right down to the flesh?
Rachel – How have you managed to not kill anyone yet? (Assuming of course that you haven’t)
RD – That’s your story and you’re sticking to it…
Never in company. No.
I once went out with a guy who cut his toenails in front of me. On about the second meeting… That was the end of that! (I can’t actually remember which one he was now…)
They are lovely, long and rounded.
NF – In which restaurant did he do that? And had you at least finished your entrées?
How do you clip a nail into a long and rounded shape? Mine tend to look like one side of an octagon when I use clippers.
What about the sound of a knife scratching a dinner plate?
I hate the sound of dripping water in the corner of a cold dark room, the sound of soldiers shouting orders and the thud of their heavy boots. I hate the sound of the crack of a gun barrel as it crunches into a cheek bone. I hate the sound of hissing gas.
I’m not sure if you can have a plural, but if you can it would be Nemeses (long last e).
Sorry, pedantry is annoying too.
It was quite entertaining, that her politely-framed, but rudely unhelpful reply left you unable to do anything more about it. If it ever were to happen again, you could point out that it is much on a par with public nose-picking in terms of personal grooming (though in terms of annoyingness, it’s easier to close your eyes than your ears).
Jorge – Eurghgghghgh!!
Dr Clip – Are you Terry Waite?
z – I’ll use as many plurali as I like thank you…
I love you.
And sometimes the following sound is the most annoying sound in the world.
Psssst Psssst Pssssst
‘Course you will honey.
*Wanders away worrying about proximity of cheesewire to Angry testicles*
Surely it’s only old ladies and red lipped secretaries who file their nails these days anyway?
Either way i cut mine.
explain to the police that the act of killing the old woman was an act of mercy… euthanasia
Angry,
you too could have the beauty of NF girl’s nails (taking her claim at face value) by using the humble nail scissor. Beautifully crafted and sculpted to cut the nail with a sublime curvature, you’ll be off buying open toed sandals before you know it AND impressing the ladies no doubt.
I’ve got a spare pair you could have for £15 (never used) – it’s a bargain cos they’re over £200 in Boots (I might have missed a decimal)