“Err, hello, what flavour crisps do you have?” I ask the snooty landlord.
I’m at a country pub that I think most people would now refer to as a ‘gastro-pub’. This has nothing to do with Gastroenteritis. The barman was quite vociferous in making this point when I asked for some clarification. Though I think the reason he is really annoyed is because I’m not sampling their vastly over-priced wares and would rather have a packet of crisps with my pint.
“We have a wide selection of potato snacks, is there any you would prefer?”, he responds with barely disguised loathing.
“Do you have Cheese & Onion?”
“We have Vintage Cheddar and Red Onion Chutney?”
“Err, so you’ve not got any Walkers then?”
“No”
“What about Smokey Bacon?”
“No, but we do have Ludlow Sausage and Wholegrain mustard.”
“Err, is that a joke? You just made that up didn’t you. I just want a bag of crisps, you know, normal crisps”
“Define normal.”
“Salt and vinegar, Ready Salted, Cheese & Onion. Normal!”
“So you don’t want to try the Smoked Salmon, Horseradish and Capers potato chips then?”
I suspect that my incisive business advice for the Lamborghini-driving landlord (that he should stock some normal flavours) would fall on deaf ears, and the look on his face suggests asking for pork scratchings would be a thoroughly bad idea. I return to the beer garden sans bar-snacks to the disappointment of my fellow beer garden occupants and our slightly unadventurous palates.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
If they had crisps they’re not that posh. Went to one the other night and all they had behind the bar was those little Japanese rice snacks and bits of what looked like cardboard but I was primely assured was hand smoked trout (and how do you hand smoke a trout)
By the way, very impressed with Google, your adds are showing apple crisps and smoked salmon…
I used to really like Brannigans Roast Beef and Mustard crisps, but they seem to have gone out of business now. The bastards.
Some of the posh ones are nice, but I warn you now, even out of london they cost NINTY FUCKING PENCE A PACKET.
outragous.
BoT – Dried fish? Eurgh…
Katy – ‘Brannigans’, to me, is a low-rent Chav nightclub in Reading.
Oli – You buy a bag of chips for that oop north.
Chips, we call them.
BoT– it’d have to be through one of those hooka thingies.
There’s been an outbreak of “Cracked Black Pepper” nad “Sea Salt” in these parts. And all these “Hand cooked” or “Kettle chips”– shorthand for deep fried razorblade if you ask me. The little bastards shatter into a thousand fragments once the jaw develops the necessary poundage of pressure. Shattered teeth and macerated gums are a constant possibility. No wonder Jamie keeps telling us crisps are bad for kids. They’ll be stabbing each other with them soon (specially now they’ve had their knives taken away).
Ooops. Sorry, I seem to have gone off on one there for a moment. Carry on!
hand stroked trout?
NF- you mean chups?
Dr J – vent away Doc, vent away…
greavsie – grand poked gout?
Bugger posh crisps. What’s up wi’ good old pork scratchin’s then?
All the posh crisps taste like worcester sauce flavoured walkers crisps anyway. You pay twice the price for a silly name and a picture of what the real food looks like. Frankly i’d rather eat a ludlow sausage with mustard than their artificially flavoured crispy brothers.
Its not just me then is it. I miss proper pub crisps ‘Bensons’. No matter what flavour you had they all tasted the same ‘damp cardboard’ . Thats what I want and can I get it ‘no’.
FD – Nothing mate, but unless they were flavoured by thyme or rosemary, they didn’t have any.
marycub – hello, sausage and mash was over a tenner!
RD – never heard of them, but they sound, er, great?
the landlord most likely buys the own brand of asda and repacks them in the fancy packing…….. maybe he does the same with the vodka, brandy ect.
erk. how much was a pint then??
I like the posh crisps in all honesty, fat drenched, mmhhhhhh
karilyn – maybe that’s how he got his lambourgini?
marycub – not everyone was on pints, but it was about £3. Ouch.
Oli – I can hear your arteries hardening from here…
Whatever happened to hedgehog flavour?